what the hell did we say?

we said nothing.. we didn't talk about "it".... this morning i am angry at this fact.. because it has left me with so much to speculate... i have been following the blogs of some cancer patients and i am so envious of their openness... even to be able to vent about crappy side effects or the fear of dying... we didn't talk about any of it...

even when my dad was in the throws of major pain.. we didn't know... instead we learned to look for signs like the way he would ball his fists.... why did he let himself suffer? why not just say... i need more pain meds? all because we were too weak for him.. we couldn't take knowing.. is this what he thought? didn't he know.. did't we tell him enough that he was the most important thing in our lives.. that we would carry him.. that we would do anything for him.. that we COULD take it... ???? i guess we didn't...

instead i am left to dream the conversations we never had.. the conversations that i'm sure were in our hearts but went unsaid...

in my dream last night i was curled up next to him in the hospital bed we had delivered to the house... my head is on his shoulder.. my mouth inches from his ear.. he is telling me that life is wonderful and that i should grasp all i can get.. and i am promising him that i will live life to it's fullest.. that i want to live to be a hundred and every day.. every breath will be a tribute to him... i will live the life he can't... and he is proud of me for his...

but my god.. why wasn't this said when he was here? why am i left to dream the things i should have said.. he should have said.. we all should have said... ????