Sunday, April 22, 2012

it has been too long.. UPDATE

i just realized how long it has been since i last wrote on this here has been too long.. in my last entry and letter to my daddy, i expressed how the less and less i am on here the more healed i feel..let this post be a testament to how one never heals from loss...we simply learn to live with it.. adapt and move forward..

time is flying by these days.. i come home mentally and emotionally exhausted from work to a puppy needing loads of attention and exercise..i lay down to sleep being the most tired i have ever felt in my life.. and i love it..oh that's right.. we got a dog.. every time i find him doing something he isn't supposed to i laugh and think of my dad..

we got a dog when i was younger.. a hyper out of control cocker spaniel.. he never was house trained and ended up being a back yard nuisance instead of a pet.. and like many times when parents get their kids a dog simply because the kid wanted a dog.. cuddles, the dog, became my dad's chore.. he bathed him and fed him..we did cuddles wrong.. i know that now..there was not much forethought before we got him..there was no basic obedience training.. there was just an amazing daddy trying to make his little girl happy..

our second dog found us.. or i should say found my brother..he was a stray that claimed my brother and our front yard..he did not have tags but was well behaved..unfortunately he did not get along with cuddles and one of them had to go.. at this point i was moved out of the house and it kills me to admit cuddles was already a distant memory.. he obviously had some arthritis and it was apparent in his old age he was losing his sight and hearing.. so tommy was "adopted"..tommy was a good dog but eventually ran away.. maybe to claim some other little boy somewhere...

when my dad was sick and i had gone home to arizona to be with him for his last months i half joked about getting a dog for the family.. i say half joked because i knew he wouldn't go for the idea but i really did think and still think that the house needed a prompts were met with a mix of anger and exhaustion.. this man was not going to be responsible for another dog and that was final!

but i got one over on him.. i finally got my dog..but i did it was thought about long and hard.. and i was prepared to give him the attention he needed.. i was prepared to train him and create a gentle companion.. so at 7 months old we still have a long way to go.. but i think my dad would love him! and would be relieved that he didn't have to take care of him.. his daughter is finally responsible!

the dog has had another affect on my healing process as well..other than the exhaustion he causes (helping me not to dwell).. he also forces me out.. into the woods.. into nature..where i feel closest to my dad.. we walk for hours.. sometimes we stop and sit in the stillness of it all..and i hear him.. i hear his voice in the wind blowing through the trees.. i hear him in the chattering of squirrels and the soft footfall of deer.. my dad is out there.. and on days that we are not at the dog part.. so am i

i only had the time to write this entry as my 4 legged little guy naps before our sunday hike..soon we will be out there.. looking for my papa!