Wednesday, April 14, 2010

on God.. and faith

my memories of church consisted of singing and falling asleep at my Nana's feet...the foundation was in Christianity...that about covers it...
my mom "gave her life to Christ" a few years be honest we all struggled with it... there were bible studies two times a week and church two times a week...there were different views and ideas... i think we all worried that we had lost her...
my dad and i had a conversation about it...he had started to go to some bible studies and to church on some Sundays....but he held fast that there was no plan to be baptized as well... (i have only shared the hilarious nature of this conversation with my brother and i like that we share it so i won't write it here)
after his diagnosis and as the cancer progressed he started to attend church more often..then in September 2009 he was baptized...i called the following day to congratulate him... is that what you do when someone is baptized? awkward! haha.... but he accepted the congrats... and i had to ask him... i had to know...was he doing this out of fear? was he tying up loose ends? what he worried about his fate?
you see before this i hadn't talked about death with him.. actually we didn't talk about it again... ever... but i needed to be sure.... "i did it because i felt it was right"... and that was all the assurance i needed...
my dad was considered a new Christian....but any old Christian could tell you he was a walking (rolling) example of pure faith... it broke my heart to hear him pray... he never prayed for himself.. he prayed for us to have faith... and for those praying for him not to give up.. to have faith....he prayed for other people far less sick than he was... to have faith
i struggled to not be angry with God.. to not place blame on something i was questionable about to begin with... i never failed to be amazed that he was not angry with God.. nor did he ever ask why?
Faith... in seeing that and being surrounded by it... i can no longer question God...i don't know if it will ever lead to my own baptism or assimilation into organized religion.. but i am sure.. without a doubt that God exists and worked within my dad.... and that God answers his prayers every day by giving us strength to live without him.

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