Friday, September 17, 2010

I hadn't blogged in a while so I am making up for lost time :)

also, if you would like to "guest blog" and add a memory or feelings about cancer, my papa, or the grieving process please email me an entry to amberumen@yahoo.com and I will be happy to post it here.. thanks!



There are few things that would cause my papa to lose his patience... very few... even still.. you would hardly know when his limit was reached... if he was trying to wake my brother up in the morning, he just kept telling him to get up... but when he said "ok get up son".. it was sure enough time to get up... another tell tail sign is if he used the word "stupid"... stupid.. didn't mean.. just.. stupid.. it was like his version of cussing... stupid.. was the ultimate straw...
one thing he really did not like was texting… it was stupid… there was nothing worse to him than texting or playing with your phone while “visiting” with him… there was one instance when we were together at a restraint for a cousin’s birthday.. he was not feeling good and was in no small amount of pain.. but he wanted to be there for my cousin… my brother and I didn’t know that he was upset until he had us alone.. he was so disappointed in all of us for texting during the birthday lunch.. “what was the point of coming?” he asked.. no one talked to each other… I feel so bad about that day knowing how much pain he was in and the trouble he went through just to be there… and we were just… stupid…
He didn’t like the idea of texting over calling either…there was no connection in that… doesn’t “I love you” get lost in translation? doesn’t it mean more when you go to the trouble of calling and talking to someone? my brother got me thinking.. (sorry mom you won’t like this)..I flipped him off one day and he said..”you know.. that would mean more if you used your toes or something…if you went to the trouble of learning to flip me off with your toes.. then I would really be offended”… and it applies here… don’t text me “I love you”, “happy birthday”, “thinking of you”… tell me.. talk to me.. connect with me.. show me….
So.. as my papa was in his last hours there was a cousin who pulled his phone out to text… and I stopped him.. and asked him to leave the room…not rudely.. but I wanted to pass on my papa’s lesson…
I think we are learning.. and it still amazes me how much we will continue to learn from him even when he is not here to teach us….

why fight it?

i think it must have been my brother's birthday (Tuesday) that stirred up all these feelings... and i have made an important discovery about the grieving process... simply put...you can not hide...it will find you...
i worked at staying strong.. i noticed that even when i was alone i was pushing away the painful things.... the things i don't like to remember... but like i said.. it found me
my brain betrayed me... thursday morning's dreams were a constant cycle dreaming about him, like snippets of memories... then (still dreaming) realizing it is just a dream...i cried in my dreams knowing that when i woke up i would not be seeing him... i woke up crying and kept it up most of the day... doesn't help that it rained all day... i just couldn't shake that feeling of the disappointment of waking up to a reality in which he no longer exists.. i was so safe in my dreams.. in his arms..
recently i reconnected with a friend who lost her dad to this monster when she was a teen... many years later she still hurts... so i need to stop acting as if there is a light at the end of this tunnel... this pain is forever... all i.. all we.. can do is live with it... move forward... and quit fighting the grief... because it will find you...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Stand Up 2 Cancer

StandUp2Cancer telethon airs Friday...if you would like to make a donation in my Papa's honor, or in honor of any fighting or fallen loved love affected by this monster we call cancer, please follow this link

please feel free to forward this link too!!!

https://www.standup2cancer.org/?c=donate&su2ccs=PRUPTO2009-8372

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

8 months

dear papa,

today marks 8 months that you have been gone...there is a child's voice within me saying "come back now"... the rational adult in me won't let her talk.... i have been suppressing that child who wants so much just to sit on your feet while you read magazines at Walden Books..... i keep her from reminding me what your stubbled face felt like on her lips when she kissed you goodnight... i keep her from crying... from remembering... from hurting... but today.. she's won... today she is free to feel.. even if it is pain....

i miss you papa.. i miss you no less today than i did 8 months ago... i think i began to miss you sooner than that... it's funny... i think the sicker you became.the more i needed you... and now that you are gone.. have been gone.. i need you even more...

i know that you would not want me to feel this..i know if you were able to see me now you would feel helpless... know that i am okay.. for the most part. i am getting by.. i am living and loving life.. i take your memory with me.. and i trudge on...

but today... today i am just that little girl.. and she needs her daddy....

always,
ana marie