Monday, April 12, 2010

sleep? what's that?

i've gotten used to not sleeping. even when i DO sleep it's not a fitful sleep.

it started with the all night worry-fests. all night worrying about an appointment to the oncologist coming up. all night wondering what would happen to us if it didn't turn out right. all night thinking about him and how he was really feeling.

after the last dr. apt. i went home. i hated to face it but i went home to spend his last moments with him... he got worse and needed people to be with him at night. i took my turns. he didn't sleep. he tried to suck as much life out of the day as he could. night was too quiet. i'm sure this is when he let himself think of the worst. we watched tv, took multiple trips to the bathroom, avoided sleep. on my nights off i was woken up to give him morphine... i was his pusher :0)...or find the remote control... i got used to being fully awake upon being woken up...we all did....when he passed we all looked at each other at night.. wondering now what?

since i've been home.. i still don't sleep... my mind doesn't stop... even when i do sleep i can't escape my thoughts... i dream of telling him things i never did.. never had the guts to... time taken for granted....i wake up fully awake and my mind is not my own.. it belongs to him.. to them... night is too quiet.. it's when the tears come and i try not to wake my husband.....

last night was a particularly rough night.... in the day.. as in many of my days... i am like a zombie without having slept with left over bits and pieces of thoughts and dreams still floating in my head.

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