healing in forgiveness

i read The Shack... which i didn't like at all... it was an attempt to take philosophical questions that do have necessarily have to have answers, and simplify it all.. it was trite in its attempt at a conversation with God... i will never understand why people flock to "answers"... when the questions are far more important...

anyway.. what i did take away from it was a personal need to forgive...i will be the first to admit that i hold a lot of anger... it fuels me... it allows me to work full speed.... but unless i get rid of it (even a little of it) i can not heal....truth be told healing is scary in that i am afraid to forget him... and to forget this feeling... but... he would want me to move forward (never move on.. move forward)... so i have to forgive....

today i wrote a letter to his oncologist... in it i forgive him.. for his tunnel vision in treating him...for his lack of understanding kidney cancer in it's specificness.... in it.. i ask that he look into reforming IL-2 eligibility criteria... i ask that he review the use of Sutent... neither of which were used on my papa... i informed him that my dad would have had hot lava pushed into his veins if it meant he would have a few more years, months.. even days... i also tell him that i do not not blame him for my dad's cancer.. nor his demise.. i have to believe that my dad would have taken from us even if he would have qualified for IL-2 or had tried Sutent.. but he should have been given the opportunity to try them as treatment options... it breaks my heart that when he was told there was nothing else they could try.. it was a lie... there were options... i also reminded him the power he holds over oncology patients who put their faith in him to fully inform them...it was a letter a long time coming...

i also am going to take this opportunity to formally forgive people in my life that, at the time, i felt did not give us the support we needed.. it was selfish and close minded for me to believe that you could make it better simply by "being there"... blame had to go somewhere and it went to some of you.. i understand now that sometimes people don't know what to do or say... truth be told some of that anger came from jealousy that this did not affect your life as it so twisted mine... what kind of friend am i to only love those that are there for me... friendship is not based on reliance... neither is love.. i forgive and love you!

i will have a harder time forgiving those that i feel did my dad wrong by not being there for HIM as they could have.. i will have a harder time forgiving those who disguised their need to be the center of attention as "caring"... i will have a harder time forgiving those who have abandoned what is left of my family.... but.. the forgiveness will come.. because i believe that those that i will have a harder time forgiving do not know what hurt they've caused... so what is the point in hanging onto that anger? it will come.. i'm sure it will... and today i feel lighter... i feel a pebble sized void has been filled in the giant whole my papa left me with....

like watching Nature

this picture always makes me laugh.. YEARS ago..we were in old town Tucson... he snuck away from the group and had this picture taken... i remember wondering.. what was he going to do with it? well he framed it of course.. and hung it on the wall... on that wall was also a blown up picture of his Jeep... who in the world takes a novelty photo alone? my papa that's who! many years after that he had one taken with my brother.. but that is his story to tell

it is always funny to me when people say "i didn't know that about him" or "he was so quiet"... i just chuckle to myself... and it makes me sad for people who didn't really know him.. or understand him....

sure.. he was quiet and reserved... until he stood up for the sole purpose of doing a funny little dance... (ok side note.. sometimes i think these entries are going to light hearted and i will giggle throughout them... but here i sit crying.. and glad i can type without looking at my fingers or the screen) i digress.. sometimes being with my dad was like watching Nature (as my brother once said)... you had to be still.. you had to watch wait and listen.. and he could burst out of the quiet reserved shell....

something simple like putting chlorine in the pool could cause of sting of snarky sarcastic comments (are you planning on getting any of that chlorine in the pool?).... as can driving directly over potholes (is it your goal to hit every pothole?)... not wearing socks could get you a lecture fit for a 3 year old.... not many people saw this... they usually saw a very patient father.. almost absentee in his lack of discipline.... HA... HA....

when my papa was taking care of his parents before they passed.. people saw a strong man.. stoic in his role as caretaker... they assumed he was quiet and non reflective... what they did not have were my lunch time conversations with him.. in which he expressed that he was sad but happy that my nana cuca was in control of her life in choosing not to undergo dialysis... that she was making her choices known... sure they saw the strong man... i held this strong man as he sobbed as her casket was being lowered....when his father passed..i asked him if it was easier to loose him because he had lived such a very long long life... my brother and i were told it was not easy to loose him because he regretted not knowing him beyond a father role... he didn't teach him how to drive or do things father's did.. he worked hard for his family...and while my dad was appreciative he also wanted a "dad"....

you wouldn't know how important you were to him unless you wanted to.... his family was so important to him.. and more than anything he wanted a relationship.. a closeness... he reveled in saying "my sisters are with me," he was proud of the love he had for his family...and while it was so visible to me.. i wonder how visible it was to others... not everyone knows now to watch, wait and listen.... he proudly displayed blankets, meals and hats made for him... like saying "look how much i am loved, and look how much i love them"... did they know what that this is what he meant to say? do they know how hurt he would be to loose them in his passing.... my brother and i are a part of him.. and right now.. we are our only connection to him... that hurts

my cousin said it drove her crazy to watch him and i sit next to each other, both reading separate books.... "you guys are too quiet".... but we were watching and waiting... once.. we saw a humming bird stop flying.. it perched and sat still for a full minute.. it was amazing... and we would never have shared that moment if we weren't watching and waiting...

my point is... if you ever wondered about him.. if you ever wanted to know him better... know this... he probably wasn't who he seemed to you... he was so much more

father's day

it is the day after father's day... i avoided it yesterday... i think that the build up to it was worse than the actual day.... i was dreading father's day for weeks.. after every commercial that said "don't forget father's day" i would ask "how could i forget?"... i kept busy yesterday and i did pretty well... i had cousins, friends and my brother check up on me... i wasn't lying you guys... when i said i was okay :0)

i think what helped me was the memory of last year... living so far from home, i have missed many (too many) father's days... i sent cards and called...but last year i flew home to surprise him... he was beginning to have flank pain (although we didn't know it at the time, the tumor was growing back, into his flank muscle)... he was already down the rabbit hole of harder pain medication...he missed church that morning... my cousin picked me up at the airport...he was just waking up from a nap and we met in the hallway... he gasped and i hugged him too hard... he let a few tears out.. and in our fashion we both looked away.. leave it to us to suppress the moment.. yes.. i am my father's daughter... he told everyone who came over what a surprise it was to him.. and admitted he cried... i came and went a ton over the summer so i had just seen him a month before... he was truly surprised.... and there is nothing like the smile my dad smiles when he is surprised.. it is a huge grin and he kind of bites the tip of his tongue... the corners of his eyes crinkle...it's real... funny that i remember details of his face and expressions like that...

and i think that is why i was/am able to get through this... my dad was so present... so....there... that i have details to hang on to....

so you want to know why....

people like to ask why... and i can't completely answer why i tattoo my body... it's maybe something that i don't fully understand myself... but i can answer why i got this one... i can at least explain that...

It took some convincing to get my dad to sign on with hospice. We called it everything but “hospice.” Palliative care, home care nursing and the one that finally worked, our best option. I will never say that he was in denial, instead he was very hopeful and continued to have the will of a barracuda to live. The day that the hospice doctor, nurse and social worker came to meet with us, they talked soothingly and asked their questions tentatively. The social worker asked my dad if he had made plans or expressed his wishes. My mom and I both understood the question to be in reference to funeral plans and life insurances. My dad took it to mean something else completely. He answered, “my wife and I are going to renew our vows in February and we are thinking about buying an RV.” Needless to say the team caught on and avoided that subject from then on.

Then the doctor asked him if he was nervous or scared of what was happening. My dad gave the most telling of answers, one that continues to give us comfort in our loss of him. He asked, “Scared of what?" Long before I was a gleam in his eye my dad rode broncos and bulls in the rodeo circuit. My aunt told the doctor that he rode bulls to explain my dad's answer. The doctor understood that the man he was looking at had stared a two ton bull in the eyes and showed no fear... what was cancer after that?

In my dad’s last hours he stopped responding to us. He fought to breathe so hard and for so long his neck veins turned angry and purple. On January 1, 2010 at 3:30 am my dad cried two tears and went home to heaven. He fought cancer for less than a year and in his last breaths continued to fight. It was as if he were holding on for his eight seconds. Like he was up on the biggest, meanest bull and refused to let go until that buzzer went off. He got the highest score that early morning.

And while tattoos are not understood by everyone, this is why I got this particular one on the day after what would have been my dad's birthday. You can see that the bull has a RCC ribbon on his hind quarter, it represents cancer. And there is my dad riding the beast into the sunset. His story and his words give me strength to get past my fear of living without him. The sheer thought of it can get me through my day. This pain is still very fresh and I can’t see an end in sight. Someone told me that this is a pain that doesn’t ever go away, you simply have to learn to live with it. However, if I am truly my father’s daughter I can do anything. I can look that two ton, angry bull in the face and be his legacy

my new La Bamba

from since i can remember watching movies... maybe from the first time i ever saw La Bamba, i have had this sickness.. this need.. to cry.... once in a while.. i will take out all of my sad movies... put one in and cry.. my go-to... has mostly been La Bamba....i was minute away from putting it in today... because i knew i needed a release... all week, every night, every morning.. i have been fighting the urge to cry... when i close my eyes at night i see my dad sitting in his wheelchair with his head hung down.. asleep.. i will think about how hard he fought sleep and feel guilty that i didn't fight it with him... that i didn't make more of that time... every morning, this week, i have opened my eyes and felt this sinking sensation.. this emptiness.. all of this is normal.. something i should expect to feel from time to time... but for whatever nonsensical reason i have suppressed every feeling inside of me to let it out... i physically shake my head and say "no, not doing it" and i try to busy my mind.... but today i was prepared to watch La Bamba and cry it out...

something different happened though... something unexpected and strange... i went to the library to pick up a book on CD they were holding for me (i like to listed to books while i crochet)... i left the library without looking at it... when i got home and started loading it onto my mp3 player i realized they had given me the wrong cd set...this was not the mystery i expected.. what i got was a memoir about a girl about my age... who lost her mom to breast cancer.. it was written during her mom's last few weeks on hospice.... it took me about an hour to decide to plunge in....

i have spent the entire day listening to this book.. i've crocheted during the funny chapters... i got down on my bed in the fetal position during the heart wrenchingly sad parts... i have relived my dad's last 3 months on earth through this book... and i have come out clean..

in "The Mercy Papers" by Robin Romm.. i found solace.. i found a kindred spirit.. from the moment she wanted everyone out of the house... to the trip to walmart to buy a rubber bed sheet...

through her writing i relived the lunacy and importance of finding the remote control... buying the right flavor of ensure... and the panic induced guilty feeling of being at the grocery store and not with him... she put into perspective the anger i felt toward people when they would tell me i needed to get out of the house... i think.. i finally felt.. understood....

in a weird change of events i had my release today... but i didn't need La Bamba... i don't fully buy into the universe sending me things... i think it is what it is.. but it just happened to be what i needed today

agape love

can you spot my dad? he is in the front row.. he is the boy with the biggest smile on his face

someone really upset me last night.... i will admit.. i was seething... angry..

and then i remembered "agape love".... my dad gave me this lecture about having "agape love" for family... there was one person in particular who we struggled to like, let alone love.. but he wouldn't let us talk ugly about this person.. instead he reminded us... that this person was family... and we should have "agape love" for them... this is a love that is unconditional... we shouldn't expect anything of anyone.. just love them.. it was and is really doing us no good to be ugly to some one when they have no idea what they are doing wrong... after some time and in remembering this lesson.. i was no longer angry... anger is not productive in anyway...

so i was thinking about this.. and of course about my papa...people used to always say "your dad is so patient"...i suppose you'd have to be, with a daughter who doesn't think about consequences and a son who has never known consequences...

that is not to say he was a walking buddah... of course he got mad..in fact.. seeing dad upset was an event.. and usually brought more laughter than tears....after all we are the "stupid family"... but he had nothing but agape love for his stupid family!

so, my dad continues to teach me, mold me, remind me... and i understood that last night... i can not call him, i can not talk to him.. but somehow he can still get to me.. and help me become the person i want to be... a person with purpose... a person who is happy.. a person who can give agape love...

5 months

dear papa,

today marks 5 months...and i wonder.. will i wake up every month on the first and be forced to feel farther away from you? i feel myself healing, filling that space that you occupied so heavily... but every month brings a new fear.. because time is moving on without you... i still don't understand how time goes on... my world exploded when you left... i wonder how everyone else was able to wake up today and not think of you... how has everyone else been able to move forward?

not everyone has dad, and i worry about them more than i do myself... i have you in me.. i am a piece of you.. i have within me your strength and the rest of your fight.. but what about those who don't dad? how do i help them?

for some reason this month has been a difficult one.. maybe it was your birthday and mom's birthday.. then memorial .. but this month more than any other.. i picked up the phone countless times to call you... i had the worst day last week... i taught this kindergarten class that walked all over me.. at the end of the day i walked out of the school laughing.. because i was going to call you and tell you about the little boy who peed in the corner.. when i asked him why.. he said.. "because".. i knew you would laugh... i ended up crying in my car...this huge weight on my shoulders.. realizing yet again.. i couldn't call you... you aren't there..

i am planning a trip home this summer dad. i'm scared.... terrified.. of what i am going to feel walking into the house knowing you aren't there... i am safe in my Michigan cocoon in a way... i have pictures of you everywhere.. you are all over the house when i talk about you or play your music... but i do not see your room, your chair, your clothes, your truck, your life... everywhere.. your headstone was put up too... a finality if you will.. that terrifies me too... unfinished business kept it a little unreal... but thats it.. that was the final thing to do.. it's done... now what?

i love you papa,

ana marie