adventures of a shirt

i made a couple of shirts to wear during various cancer walks i have done this year.. one of them exclaims CANCER SUCKS in big green letters.... the shirt didn't get much more than a glance at the couple of cancer walks i had worn it to... but recently i have worn it out and about... grocery shopping etc... mostly during laundry day :0)

and there is something that i have noticed.... there are so many people out there that have been touched in some way by cancer.. and they all want to talk about it...

it starts with "i like your shirt, where did you get it?" when i tell them i made it, they want to know why... i tell them about papa.. and they have a story to match...

the check out lady at the grocery store lost her six year old daughter a few years ago. she has never done a walk nor has she been a part of any cancer community... she didn't even know support groups existed.... the woman at micheal's has helped me pick out yarn many times... turns out she lost her dad on christmas day... he had lung and prostate cancer...

there is a man who was at the car wash.. his wife is in remission... another man there lost his mom to breast cancer...he has a picture of her in his wallet that he wants to show us....

when i go to turn in my hours for pay at the district office there is a temp. working for the usual secretary... she had oviarian cancer... and her oldest daughter was just diagnosed with the same at stage 4... her daughter is only 32... and the woman cried openly...

if i could i would make shirts for all of those people... and the others who give me thumbs up.. or say... "yeah it does"....

we know all too well that cancer does suck! it sure does!

Don't forget those who have lost...

Don't forget those who have lost

we don't have the luxury of memory

our dads, moms, daughters, and sons are gone

but still, we remember..and your world spins

don't forget those who mourn

it has been weeks, months...maybe years

when do you stop needing what is missing?

but still, we need..and your world spins

don't forget those who cry

we hide, we choke down, we avoid

we don't want to burden..burn the bridges we use

but still, we feel..and your world spins

don't forget those who have lost

we can't..and the world still spins

ready for a mishmash of feelings and thoughts?
i have been going through those feelings again... when i am driving i see the leaves.. yellows, oranges and reds that are so bright they make my eyes hurt... and i feel sorry for my dad that he can not see them... i watch my friend's children laugh and smile and think my dad will miss out on grandchildren... but i have to work on wiping those feelings out of my mind.. if i truly believe in heaven then i have to believe that my dad is seeing things and experiencing things that are so brilliant there are no human words for them... i have to rationalize that i am missing him.. and what i want is to selfishly have him here to share in these things with me...
i had an eventful day at work and of course i think of calling him... (when he was home after he had to stop working i would call him in the day to tell him about my crazy adorable students)... i called my mom instead... and while i love talking to my mom it just wasn't the same... i wanted to hear my dad's laughter...
a week from today i will be flying home for my cousins's wedding.. i am so happy and excited for her.. but also terrified of what it will feel like to have the family together.. and see that he is missing... there will be an empty chair.. but really there is this huge empty space in me.. in us... and i am so anxious and nervous.. my brother will be in a tuz.. and my dad will not see that... katy and juan.. who my papa loved.. will start their lives together and my papa won't be there... i can't even wrap my mind fully around all that...
there is no lesson learned in this post.. there are no heart warming stories... just how i have been feeling in the past few weeds...

Journal part 1

before my papa passed i kept a written journal.. every entry is a letter to him that was never sent... much of it are things that i did not say to him for fear of scaring or burdening him... here is an entry written one year ago today:

Dear Papa, 10/10/09

my goodness it's been so long since i have written in this journal.. maybe because i have spent much of the last few months home.. with you... now i have been back in michigan for almost a month and i am having another one of those days.. when you are on my mind.. and today i realized something.. that this really is the worst.. my very worst fear... did you know that when i was little i used to hear your truck start for work.. i would wake up and watch you drive away and i would cry... at the time i don't think i understood why.. but today i realized that i was scared that you would not come back...saying goodbye has always been so hard to do with you... even over the phone i choke up when it's time to hang up... and now.. my ultimate fear is being realized.. that i may have to say that last goodbye..
today i miss you so much.. and i want to call you just to hear your voice.. but i am afraid of breaking down and being weak when what you need is for me to be strong.. so today i will avoid calling you.. and today will be the day that i let myself break down,,,
mom told me you were avoiding me too...you don't answer my calls when you are having bad days.. but dad that's not fair.. i hide from so much of it on my won..i can't have you adding to that.. i can't have you allowing me to be an ostrich.. emilio and mom can't hide from it.. they live it everyday... why should i be exempt...

fight dad, please beat this... i need you to beat this...
ana marie

9 months

dear papa,

another month has passed without you... the leaves are changing here, my forget-me-nots are dying... time won't stop... and you won't come back.. but our family needs you more than ever.. i think we second guess ourselves at every move because we are so afraid of leaving you out..
we can't have you here with us but we hang on to every thread of you... what would dad say? what would dad do? what would dad want? ..i know.. we are scared of loosing you any more than we already have... we haven't quite found our footing... sure we move past every day... we wake up.. we get out of bed (sometimes)...we live..and mostly people see us that way.. but inside..we are teetering on this very thin rope.. balancing our pain with responsibilities... which will win out today?
more and more life wins that battle.. little by little we make it across... it's the 1st of the month and i have to go to work.. i have to push you out of my brain for 7 hours... life wins today dad... and i know you would approve

your daughter