Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
truth be told i never liked thanksgiving... i've always thought it was a silly holiday.. we eat.. then we eat some more.. but.. at least we get together with family and i suppose that is what matters... i hadn't spent thanksgiving with my family in quite a while... we would fly out for Christmas or they would come here so it didn't make sense to take two trips a month apart... and that has always been pretty okay with me...
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
i was feeling such anxiety about the wedding... i think we all were... it was going to be too obvious that my papa was missing.. especially because he loved the couple so much and was a strong supporter of their love....i also didn't want my missing him to overtake my joy for them...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
i have been going through those feelings again... when i am driving i see the leaves.. yellows, oranges and reds that are so bright they make my eyes hurt... and i feel sorry for my dad that he can not see them... i watch my friend's children laugh and smile and think my dad will miss out on grandchildren... but i have to work on wiping those feelings out of my mind.. if i truly believe in heaven then i have to believe that my dad is seeing things and experiencing things that are so brilliant there are no human words for them... i have to rationalize that i am missing him.. and what i want is to selfishly have him here to share in these things with me...
i had an eventful day at work and of course i think of calling him... (when he was home after he had to stop working i would call him in the day to tell him about my crazy adorable students)... i called my mom instead... and while i love talking to my mom it just wasn't the same... i wanted to hear my dad's laughter...
a week from today i will be flying home for my cousins's wedding.. i am so happy and excited for her.. but also terrified of what it will feel like to have the family together.. and see that he is missing... there will be an empty chair.. but really there is this huge empty space in me.. in us... and i am so anxious and nervous.. my brother will be in a tuz.. and my dad will not see that... katy and juan.. who my papa loved.. will start their lives together and my papa won't be there... i can't even wrap my mind fully around all that...
there is no lesson learned in this post.. there are no heart warming stories... just how i have been feeling in the past few weeds...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Dear Papa, 10/10/09
my goodness it's been so long since i have written in this journal.. maybe because i have spent much of the last few months home.. with you... now i have been back in michigan for almost a month and i am having another one of those days.. when you are on my mind.. and today i realized something.. that this really is the worst.. my very worst fear... did you know that when i was little i used to hear your truck start for work.. i would wake up and watch you drive away and i would cry... at the time i don't think i understood why.. but today i realized that i was scared that you would not come back...saying goodbye has always been so hard to do with you... even over the phone i choke up when it's time to hang up... and now.. my ultimate fear is being realized.. that i may have to say that last goodbye..
today i miss you so much.. and i want to call you just to hear your voice.. but i am afraid of breaking down and being weak when what you need is for me to be strong.. so today i will avoid calling you.. and today will be the day that i let myself break down,,,
mom told me you were avoiding me too...you don't answer my calls when you are having bad days.. but dad that's not fair.. i hide from so much of it on my won..i can't have you adding to that.. i can't have you allowing me to be an ostrich.. emilio and mom can't hide from it.. they live it everyday... why should i be exempt...
fight dad, please beat this... i need you to beat this...
Friday, October 1, 2010
another month has passed without you... the leaves are changing here, my forget-me-nots are dying... time won't stop... and you won't come back.. but our family needs you more than ever.. i think we second guess ourselves at every move because we are so afraid of leaving you out..
we can't have you here with us but we hang on to every thread of you... what would dad say? what would dad do? what would dad want? ..i know.. we are scared of loosing you any more than we already have... we haven't quite found our footing... sure we move past every day... we wake up.. we get out of bed (sometimes)...we live..and mostly people see us that way.. but inside..we are teetering on this very thin rope.. balancing our pain with responsibilities... which will win out today?
more and more life wins that battle.. little by little we make it across... it's the 1st of the month and i have to go to work.. i have to push you out of my brain for 7 hours... life wins today dad... and i know you would approve
Friday, September 17, 2010
also, if you would like to "guest blog" and add a memory or feelings about cancer, my papa, or the grieving process please email me an entry to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will be happy to post it here.. thanks!
There are few things that would cause my papa to lose his patience... very few... even still.. you would hardly know when his limit was reached... if he was trying to wake my brother up in the morning, he just kept telling him to get up... but when he said "ok get up son".. it was sure enough time to get up... another tell tail sign is if he used the word "stupid"... stupid.. didn't mean.. just.. stupid.. it was like his version of cussing... stupid.. was the ultimate straw...
one thing he really did not like was texting… it was stupid… there was nothing worse to him than texting or playing with your phone while “visiting” with him… there was one instance when we were together at a restraint for a cousin’s birthday.. he was not feeling good and was in no small amount of pain.. but he wanted to be there for my cousin… my brother and I didn’t know that he was upset until he had us alone.. he was so disappointed in all of us for texting during the birthday lunch.. “what was the point of coming?” he asked.. no one talked to each other… I feel so bad about that day knowing how much pain he was in and the trouble he went through just to be there… and we were just… stupid…
He didn’t like the idea of texting over calling either…there was no connection in that… doesn’t “I love you” get lost in translation? doesn’t it mean more when you go to the trouble of calling and talking to someone? my brother got me thinking.. (sorry mom you won’t like this)..I flipped him off one day and he said..”you know.. that would mean more if you used your toes or something…if you went to the trouble of learning to flip me off with your toes.. then I would really be offended”… and it applies here… don’t text me “I love you”, “happy birthday”, “thinking of you”… tell me.. talk to me.. connect with me.. show me….
So.. as my papa was in his last hours there was a cousin who pulled his phone out to text… and I stopped him.. and asked him to leave the room…not rudely.. but I wanted to pass on my papa’s lesson…
I think we are learning.. and it still amazes me how much we will continue to learn from him even when he is not here to teach us….
i worked at staying strong.. i noticed that even when i was alone i was pushing away the painful things.... the things i don't like to remember... but like i said.. it found me
my brain betrayed me... thursday morning's dreams were a constant cycle dreaming about him, like snippets of memories... then (still dreaming) realizing it is just a dream...i cried in my dreams knowing that when i woke up i would not be seeing him... i woke up crying and kept it up most of the day... doesn't help that it rained all day... i just couldn't shake that feeling of the disappointment of waking up to a reality in which he no longer exists.. i was so safe in my dreams.. in his arms..
recently i reconnected with a friend who lost her dad to this monster when she was a teen... many years later she still hurts... so i need to stop acting as if there is a light at the end of this tunnel... this pain is forever... all i.. all we.. can do is live with it... move forward... and quit fighting the grief... because it will find you...
Monday, September 6, 2010
please feel free to forward this link too!!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
This is precisely why I wanted to blog about my own grieving process… of course I wanted to share my dad’s story… and share memories… but this is what gets to me!
What is Prolonged Greif Disorder (formally known as Complicated Grief Disorder)? It is just another way of saying “get over it already”
According to http://www.grief-healing-support.com/complicated-grief.html, I have PGD... and should seek treatment…HA!
You also have PGD if you experience at least one of the following symptoms
Intrusive thoughts related to the lost relationship
Intense feelings or emotional pain, sorrow, or pangs or grief related to the lost relationship
Yearning for the lost person
Hi… who doesn’t yearn for the person they have lost?
You also have PGD if you have been mourning your loss for more than “six months”…. hmmmm well I am now in month 7 and while I am healing I am also doing so ON MY OWN TIME!
So wait.. now that I know that I have PGD how.. oh how.. do I treat it?
“Get more sleep, manage stress and emotions, practice relaxation techniques, and pay attention to life in the moment and without judgment...”
Hmmmm sounds to me like a coping mechanism for a little thing called LIFE!!!!
And there it is right there… this is life.. loss is a part of life… and while there are better ways to live we all have to choose our own paths… that being said…there is no guide book or guide lines as to how to deal with loss.. there is no time line for grief…. I have said it many times.. this is a loss one carries forever… it is not a wound that can be healed… one simply learns to live with it….
So.. if you have stumbled upon my blog following the loss of a loved one.. and you are now part of a club that no one wants to voluntarily join.. then know this… your story is your own… your feelings are your own… if my blog or blogs like mine help you in your process then I will be so very happy.. but please do not let anyone tell you HOW TO GRIEVE and know that there is nothing wrong with you!
Grief-healing-support my big ol’ behind!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
being in his truck was hardest.. it smells like him... like work.. like desert dust...
it doesn't help that my brother in his masochistic style.. insists on listening to dad's music at most times...
i have yet to visit the grave site... more apprehension... not knowing how i will react is the hardest part... odd that reacting is the easiest, most natural thing to do...
i have done very well, considering... and i was thinking about it.. more than likely while i was supposed to be listening to someone...i apologize in advance for being a bit spacey, as i have a lot to contemplate... but i digress... i think i have been able to simply feel because he is very much a part of us.. and the house... i know my dad is in paradise.. more than likely cooking fish over a camp fire... but he is here as well.. in the form of memories... my papa wore hats (ball caps) all the time.. and there is at least one hat in every room.. as if he left them there...
i also believe... as many people remark on how well we are doing as a family.. that it is a testament to my papa.. we were not left with hurt feelings, regrets.. ugly memories... he truly left us in tact with beautiful memories and knowing with all our souls that he loved us...
here is hoping i can remember this when i visit his headstone....
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
- never ask him for help with homework: my dad was probably too smart for his own good... he watched too much PBS... my brother and i asked him as a last resort....you know.. when you are just trying to get done... you just want to go to bed... but you have one last thing to do and it is stumping you...so you get desperate.. and ask him... well settle in.. it's going to be a while... my favorite example is when i was working on dividing fractions... and he proceded to tell me the history of fractions!!!! the history!!!!!
- sometimes he really DIDN'T know: you could have asked my dad anything... ANYTHING... and he would know the answer.. as a little girl.. i thought he really did know everything... as an adult... i saw just how much he made up... yup.. made up... my brother didn't believe me... we were trying to remember who sings the theme song for Toy Story (randy newman, the laziest song writer alive).... but dad said john sebastian... he answered with so much conviction..we laughed and said he'd made it up... he never admitted to making up that name... he said Google was wrong....
- he watched ANYONE who performed on Austin City Limits: on the last list i wrote about how much he loved music.. well this included horrible bands like Cold Play.. simply because they played Austin City Limits... i had a bit of a crush on Paolo Nutini... before i knew his name i called him the hot Scottish guy... from the other side of the house i heard "the hot Scottish guy is on!!!!"... when i got there he was laughing... "just kidding, it's willie nelson again"
- he hated The Simpsons: few things really got his goat... i will never know if he actually ever watched an episode...i think he would have thought it was funny.. but his heels were dug in and he stuck to it....i was grown.. an adult... visiting from Michigan... i was up late watching the simpsons... he walked in and started yelling at me (me....an adult.. married.. living a half a country away)..... i giggled it off.. until he woke up my mom to tell on me.....
- he personified IRON WILL: he woke up at 4am to go to work... some mornings i would be awake to and watched him drive away from my bedroom window.. i felt so sorry for him... to have to go to work in the dark....some days he came home with burned holes in his shirt or skin! (welding).... he worked really hard for us for so many years.... i think it had to be the will to work... when he was in his wheelchair... he did everything he could to still walk to the bathroom.. he would lock his legs... even if was just a few steps... when he pulled himself on and off the wheel chair.... it was will.. sheer will...