Friday, January 28, 2011

another 5 things you should know about my papa

this is part 3 of the "5 things" series.. below are the links to part 1 and 2:

i recently explained my insomnia out loud and realized something.. i am controlling it... it is never that i can't sleep.. it is always that i don't want to... there are nights when i refuse to close my eyes.. because i know i will see things i don't want to.. i know i will see my daddy sick and frail.. i know i will relive his sickest moments.. so i don't sleep.. i pop in a disney movie or crochet until i can think of happy last night as i was up.. too cold to get out of bed to watch a movie or crochet... i stared into the blackness and came up with another 5 things i want you to know about my papa:

my dad was never bored: he could easily amuse himself... usually by making some kind of animal call with his mouth.. his favorite was a javelina call.. one particularly uneventful fishing trip comes to mind... on one side of the lake sat my dad, myself, my brother and my husband.. on the other was a pair of men... then after an entire day of nibbles my dad begins to call in these phantom javelina... the men across the lake didn't realize that the horrible sound was coming from my dad.. they looked left and right for the large hairy pig.. when they realized it was my dad they laughed in relief and we all called it a day...
he liked trying new things: on one trip to San Fransisco he talked us all into trying "authentic" Chinese food... lets just say it involved a few live things.. and some tepid octopus... not to mention the time he decided to take up skate boarding and went out and bought himself a skate board complete with vicious looking cobra on the deck
he loved kids: before i came along he doted on his nieces and nephews.. each of us, it seems, had our own song... most didn't have words.. just a cute little tune.. either way.. we were are very special to him
he didn't drink: he sipped... he nursed.. possibly before i was born and in his younger years he did.. but what i like about this is that he didn't need to.. he was fun and laid back all on his own... he was real.. all the time
he was slow: he drove slow, ate slow, walked slow.. and it drove people nuts... i am sure it drove me nuts a time or two... but now when i think about it, i can appreciate it... that he didn't rush through life... he was always stopping to smell the roses...

Monday, January 24, 2011

It's a love without end.. amen

have you ever heard that song "let me tell you a secret about a father's love, a secret that my daddy said was just between us. you see daddy's don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.. amen"?
so i wasn't going to write today, truth be told i haven't much felt like writing.. as usual i am trying to hold in some things i just don't want to think about much less write about.. i tried to get some of you to write for me (please note that guest blogs are always welcome, write about a memory.. or write about your own lost loved one, or a cancer experience, it would certainly help me out during times like these when i just don't want to write, email posts to
i digress... by saying that it is not the writing that is the problem.. it is the sharing..i keep some things just for me, i am open, albeit sometimes too open... but sometimes.. i know some of you worry about me and i don't want that.. i just want to feel within myself... all the while knowing that writing is what is going to help me in the long run.. yes it is a vicious cycle.. i know...
digressing yet again and back to the topic at hand... (are you following my tangents ok?)... the song came on today, as i was reformatting and dealing with blog issues.. and i thought.. well there is my sign.. wait.. one more tangent... i need to say that i don't necessarily believe nor need signs from my dad, so that is not what i mean here... only that the song was saying "hey dummy, you can't hide.. just write"
it also reminded me about new years... my cousin had suggested and planned new years eve in her home.. the idea was to have it far enough that we could get away from thinking what new years meant (the anniversary of papa's passing)... we could cut loose.. relax.. enjoy and cry if need be.. which is exactly what we needed.. we had done so well through Christmas...i for one was busy trying to be strong.. hide.. avoid.. you get the picture by now... and my strength was hanging by a tread on this night...
i danced, laughed, played games, ate way too many tamales... all the while knowing.. dreading what feelings would surface come midnight...
at midnight my cousin prayed in the new year... and off he and my brother went to ring the cowbell and it came... the feeling that i worked so hard to suppress.. it came... and i kept saying to myself.. it has been a year... it shouldn't feel this fresh.. it shouldn't hurt this much... but it did... and it does... as my cousins and brother circled back in dad's truck after literally ringing in the new year i caught the song that was blasting on the was that song... again.. not a sign from my dad who is blissfully camping in the most glorious woods we should ever be so blessed to see.. but a sign none the less.. to get the heck out of the bathroom and cry if i need to cry... and cry i did...
and so what if i had to stop a few times while writing this post to cry... a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do right?

Friday, January 7, 2011

where do i start?

epic, healing, confirming, fun, sad.... those are all words to describe my recent trip home...
we celebrated Christmas, New Years and my birthday for the first time without papa... we also let pass the anniversary of him leaving this earth...bear with me.. this is a long one...

epic- i began this list of 30 things i have never done 30 days before my 30th birthday... i knew that without time and cash flow i would have to count even this little things... but i learned something as the 30 days passed... this was about life... every day we do new things.. we have new experiences without so much as a grand parade.. but what i got out of my list was that life is full of wonders.. even little ones.. and for 30 days i really REALLY enjoyed and appreciated every day that God has given me...

  1. watched an entire episode of Glee... wasn't as bad as i thought it would be
  2. apologized first (even though i still think i was right)
  3. drove on a nonexistent suspended license
  4. stayed patiently on hold for 46 minutes and did not hang up till someone picked up
  5. called a radio station to talk about sports
  6. went a whole 9 days without shaving my legs (my old record was 7)
  7. wore a dress to work (ok i mean in a classroom setting, i have worn many dresses when i worked in an office)
  8. made my mom's sugar cookies from scratch, from MEMORY (this was out of pure necessity as i am terrified of ever asking her for that recipe again)
  9. answered my phone "ahoy hoy" it was someone from my dr's office and they totally ignored it
  10. walked barefoot in snow for 10 seconds.. word to the wise.. DO NOT put your feet in warm water right afterward
  11. paid for coffee for the person behind me at the Tim Horton’s drive thru
  12. sat in the front section of the airplane, the noise isn’t worth the extra leg room
  13. was serenaded by a fat man playing a ukulele at the airport
  14. played Just Dance on the Wii (warning if you have this game do not tell me, apparently I am an addict)
  15. rode in the back of a pick up truck, as an adult
  16. laughed so hard I peed my pants, as an adult
  17. laughed so hard I woke up with a sore face, as an adult
  18. tried a spider roll.. yum
  19. ate an entire meal with chopsticks, I usually switch to a fork for rice
  20. ate and enjoyed eel sauce
  21. did NOT have menudo on Christmas day :( (this is my least favorite)
  22. rode Phoenix’s above ground subway system (the light rail), with superman no less!
  23. sang Disney karaoke
  24. played Rock Band with a complete band
  25. played “headbands,” super fun!
  26. was not the youngest person playing a game, when the rules said to start with the youngest person (this is my 2nd least favorite)
  27. went on a random search for Doritos
  28. spent over 450.00 at one store, on my own
  29. visited a county clinic
  30. watched an entire season of weeds in a matter of hours
healing- it is no secret that my brother and i have been hurt with my dad's family for all but abandoning us... but as i reconciled with 3 of my daddy's sisters over the holiday i realized my hurt and anger was displaced.. i can not place my feelings on other people.. i have to take on my feelings as my own... i fully understood that they did not know nor understand why we would feel hurt... i can not expect my papa's family to meet these unattainable standards.. my anger melted away... i am done.. it's over... and i can move forward loving like my daddy taught me to...

confirming- in the same way that i am my papa's daughter my brother truly is his son (this is when the tears come... if i am welling up.. i know you are too.. and i am sorry.. but if you think "this is too hard to read" understand that it is harder to write) my brother is driving... my dad's truck... but in the way that he is built like him, walks like him, is stubborn like him, ponders like him... my heart felt full and broke at the same time.. watching him cross the threshold of adulthood without our dad... i am so proud of the man he is becoming..i see him growing up, making better decisions.. driving on the freeway for the first time.. and i know.. it has to be hard for him.. to miss his dad.. his best friend..and also deal with the fear of being abandoned once more.. .the fear of mortality is not one that a 17 year old boy should have to deal with.. so the fact that he wakes up every day and does what he needs to do. is a tribute to the strength that dad gave us...

fun- i think i laughed more in the two weeks that i was home, than i ever have in my 30 years and one day of life... laughter is something that we need... with every haha.. i feel myself becoming lighter.. with every hehe i feel my soul beginning to mend.. and this time.. i realized i wasn't feeling the guilt that came after the laughter like a bitter aftertaste... guilt that we were living and laughing without papa...

sad- yesterday was my birthday.. last year on this day i attended my daddy's wake.. today, last year.. i watched his coffin be lowered into the ground... i tried to be busy... to listen to my books on tape, watched movies, slept, cleaned, shopped... all day yesterday.... and i did well with that plan.. but as soon as the stillness and quiet came last night, i pictured his body in the coffin.. i pictured him.fragile listening to the bible on cd.. i pictures him as he lay there on that hospice delivered bed.. holding my hand.. looking into my eyes... and try as i might to change the channel in my brain...i saw all of the things i never wanted to relive again... crying is supposed to be healing... i am still waiting for that feeling to come today... it will come though... it will...