alright.. it was bound to come up

i have a hard time looking at December pictures of my dad, let alone post them... but this is the only one i have of this memory... and it... like him.. is precious....

i was bound to write about it eventually... there have been tons of fun and memorable moments in my papa's long life in being my papa... but.. sometimes i have a hard time going back that far.. sometimes the pain of loosing him feels too fresh and it makes it difficult to reach back that far... so this is a more recent memory that was bound to be written about...

yes.. this is the story of the infamous singing contests!

no one knows how they started.. no one knows whose idea it was... or why we went along with it to begin with.. or how it became such a serious and competitive weekly event...

anyone who was there can, however, tell you how my dad's face lit up at the prospect of being able to judge all of us...

this is how the contests were structured... my dad would have a pad of paper and a pen (he insisted on being the only judge).. and we would take turns singing to him... so if you happened to be at our house on a random week night... you got pulled in.. you had to sing (or cry your way out of it KATY!).... we started with hymns... i did my best Patsy Cline with Just a Closer Walk With Thee, and on another night did a very girly Bill Monroe with Angel Band....a couple nights we were given a choice of songs... i of course did my best Janis Joplin with Bobby McGee... then there was the last contest.. it was a Christmas special and i did I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas...i am proud to say that i stayed steadily in second place except for the last one... but that one was fixed (my mom had never even placed in a contest and for the Christmas special she was told she would win, unbeknown to us, and she did. Call it a Christmas gift from him...either was it was fixed and i was robbed!)... but we had so much fun and he took his duties seriously... he wrote notes about us as we sang and we were critiqued at the end and given our place (1st 2nd or 3rd)...toward the end of my papa's life he struggled to talk... at the last contest, knowing there was no way in the world he would get Eric (the hubby) to sing, he recruited him as announcer and prize giver...

in having these contests he gave us the most fun memories of him, of being with each other... sometimes i wonder if he knew what he was doing...

i was thinking about this a lot today.. i tend to sing in my car (quite loudly, complete with upper body choreography)... and.. as it happens sometimes when people pass... i forgot he was gone.. i was singing a song and thinking.. hey.. i did really good with that song.. i should sing that at the next contest... when this happens you are immediately hit with a load of bricks... with the realization that this is not going to happen.. he is gone...

i miss my dad so much.. there is a pain at the back of my heart when i think of him... i hurt for me.. not for him.. i know he is a place where he is whole an d happy... but i will always selfishly miss him... but i continue to be so thankful with the legacy that he left us with... and memories to remember and laugh.. instead of cry... but what i wouldn't give to sing one more time for him...

mine, his, ours

one thing my parents did perfectly (albeit by mistake)... was to have my brother and i 12 years apart...

i have 12 years of memories.. 12 years of being their only focus... i wasn't bitter or jealous when he was born... not when it came to my parent's attention (i was too busy trying to keep him out of my room and from killing my gold fish)... i was old enough to enjoy watching them enjoy him... i was old enough to be doing my "own thing"...and i moved out fairly early.. so, he got lots of years of having them all to himself... because of this we have personal memories to cherish, hold close or share....our memories fall into three categories... mine, his and ours

he doesn't have the memory of my dad's jeep backfiring on my leg... and my dad putting a cold beer can on it... he told me i was okay... i still have bits of whatever builds up in a tail pipe in my leg...but...hey... i'm okay... he doesn't have the memory of puking half way up Squaw Peak only to be rewarded with a solo hike with dad around the mountain while everyone else kept going up..he doesn't know how to play chess or what it feels like to watch him squirm as i explained the workings of a Wonder Bra and why i needed one ASAP

i will never have the memory of driving route 66 on a whim with dad... i will never have the memory of sleeping under the stars with him... i will never know what it feel like to be his "buddy," to talk about girls, to be the twinkle in his eye

sometimes we got a peek at each other's dad... like when we drove to Payson to camp, just the three of us... and we sang the same three Metalica songs over and over...

together we can remember fishing at the trout farm, camping in a hotel room, friday night dinners at pizza hut... together we have one memory that will be the same for both of us... something that will never change.... we had one heck of a dad who blessed us with so many memories...

why i walk....

i even have a storm trooper on my side!

i know that some people may read my blog and feel sorry for me... they might worry that i wallow in my sadness...in the same vein i know that there are people who look at my involvement with cancer (communities, walks etc) and worry that i am not "moving past it"....

please know.. my blog.. writing this blog... has helped me in ways no one else could... i am free here... i say what i want and what i feel here... i remember him here... i think about my dad every day.. most every hour... and it is not always followed my sadness... lately i have been able to think of him and smile or laugh even... i am able to talk about him more freely... when i say something like "my dad would have loved this" or "my dad used to say....." it brings me closer to him... and i feel like with time and the help of writing... i can do this.. and feel this more often...

i'm fighting cancer in the ways that i am able (walking, supporting, keeping up to date on research)... i feel as if i am continuing to honor his fight... just because he is gone doesn't mean the battle is over... there are other people out there fighting this monster... and i want to be a part (even a tiny part) of some of them winning that fight!

when i walk or when i am a part of events i see so much hope.. not only in the survivors.. but also in the surviving family members (they are survivors too because the monster may take only the body of the loved one.. but what is left behind are shrapnel wounds to the heart that take longer to heal)... i see so many people that have been affected by cancer and i don't feel so alone in the battle....

so please don't worry about me.. i am coping.. i am doing.. i am LIVING! and that is all i can do....

5 more things you should know about my dad

4:15 am.... i did everything right.... i worked out till i was fully exhausted... i went to bed at a reasonable time.. took a hot shower.. turned off the tv.. took my melatonin.... and bang.. i'm awake.. fully awake...

since i am up... since the computer is on... since for once i did the dishes before going to bed... and since my dad is on my mind... i think it's time for another list....

5 more things you should know about my dad:

1. never ask him for help with homework: my dad was probably too smart for his own good... he watched too much PBS... my brother and i asked him as a last resort....you know.. when you are just trying to get done... you just want to go to bed... but you have one last thing to do and it is stumping you...so you get desperate.. and ask him... well settle in.. it's going to be a while... my favorite example is when i was working on dividing fractions... and he proceded to tell me the history of fractions!!!! the history!!!!!
2. sometimes he really DIDN'T know: you could have asked my dad anything... ANYTHING... and he would know the answer.. as a little girl.. i thought he really did know everything... as an adult... i saw just how much he made up... yup.. made up... my brother didn't believe me... we were trying to remember who sings the theme song for Toy Story (randy newman, the laziest song writer alive).... but dad said john sebastian... he answered with so much conviction..we laughed and said he'd made it up... he never admitted to making up that name... he said Google was wrong....
3. he watched ANYONE who performed on Austin City Limits: on the last list i wrote about how much he loved music.. well this included horrible bands like Cold Play.. simply because they played Austin City Limits... i had a bit of a crush on Paolo Nutini... before i knew his name i called him the hot Scottish guy... from the other side of the house i heard "the hot Scottish guy is on!!!!"... when i got there he was laughing... "just kidding, it's willie nelson again"
4. he hated The Simpsons: few things really got his goat... i will never know if he actually ever watched an episode...i think he would have thought it was funny.. but his heels were dug in and he stuck to it....i was grown.. an adult... visiting from Michigan... i was up late watching the simpsons... he walked in and started yelling at me (me....an adult.. married.. living a half a country away)..... i giggled it off.. until he woke up my mom to tell on me.....
5. he personified IRON WILL: he woke up at 4am to go to work... some mornings i would be awake to and watched him drive away from my bedroom window.. i felt so sorry for him... to have to go to work in the dark....some days he came home with burned holes in his shirt or skin! (welding).... he worked really hard for us for so many years.... i think it had to be the will to work... when he was in his wheelchair... he did everything he could to still walk to the bathroom.. he would lock his legs... even if was just a few steps... when he pulled himself on and off the wheel chair.... it was will.. sheer will...

some of these things we can lightly joke about... but it made him endearing... even the trivial things.. like not liking the Simpsons made him who he was.... even these small things i hope i take from.. learn from....oh and i am sorry dad... i watch Family Guy... if only you knew how much worse it was.... you might have actually liked the Simpsons

the moment...

before my dad was diagnosed.. i never once considered loosing him... after he was diagnosed... there was still very little consideration... there was always hope.. if not for a cure.. then at least for more time....

in the midst of his treatments and my countless visits home during the summer.. he took eric and i to wickenburg to take the quads out for a ride... we rode for hours.. stopping to look at rattle snakes.. gorgeous vistas... old abandoned mines...

we stopped to refuel... at this point.. eric and i marveled at his energy.. we were tired... sore from riding... hungry.. but he was trying to squeeze as much out of this trip as he could... when i think back on it..when i think back on many moments.. i can see more clearly how much he wanted to live as much as he could... this was one of those moments... he was getting the most out of teaching us about reading winds... following tracks... basic desert survival....

we went off for another ride.. we ended up at this huge red rock... it looked like a sunset etched into the side of a boulder... eric and i stopped to take a picture of it and dad pushed on... we saw he had gotten stuck in some sand up ahead... he jumped off his quad (at this time my dad was in a leg brace for some painful fluid buildup in his heel, he was walking with crutches)... he was trying to pull his quad loose when suddenly it slipped and started to roll toward a cliff.. my dad put all his weight into steading the quad and then.. fell and started to be dragged by the quad...

i don't remember what i screamed.. only that i screamed... i jumped off the back of mine and eric's quad so that eric could get to him.... he got down to him... and by the time i got there we were able to pull the quad free of the sand trap and safe from the cliff... my dad hobbled to a safe area and i walked the quad to him...

he assured me he was ok.. in no time we were back on the quads heading back to the truck and trailer...the tears falling down my cheeks where hotter than the desert... i was sobbing.. i told eric to slow down.. i didn't want my dad to see me panic like that...

this was the moment... the moment i considered loosing my dad... his near fall from that cliff made me realize just how scared i was of not having him in my life... i was terrified... still am.. every day...

99.9%

i was chatting with a fantastic woman last night... we were discussing how when someone you rely upon, you love, you need...passes...it is like a part of you is missing... like you are half a person... because they take that part of you with them... you are lost... without purpose... not sure what your next move is.... second guessing yourself... afraid to rely upon yourself... there really is a part of you missing...

i suddenly decided.. that i do not want to be half a person... my dad took a huge part of me with him.. he in fact did leave me feeling lost... but i have decided that i have the ability to fill up that missing part of me... i can not effectively celebrate him while i mourn him... i can not be me.. all of me... if i don't allow myself to find purpose...

i am resolved to the fact that i will never "get over" loosing my dad... i will always miss him.. will always need him.. will always love him...

however... as i heal... i have decided that i can be perfectly content being 99.9% me.... i'm no where near there yet.... but i know.. with time.. i will be

Happy Birthday Papa...

today.. i will NOT be sad... i will always miss my papa.. but i have to allow myself to celebrate him as well... i tend to focus on his cancer.. and the loss of him.. but then there is my papa before the cancer... and sometimes my memories can't go back that far because the pain of loosing him is too raw....but today... on his birthday i want to focus on his life... in doing that... i thought.. how would my dad have liked to spend his birthday? if he were here and healthy.. he would surely be outdoors... maybe camping... he would invite whomever.. we would be at Woods Canyon Lake... right about now we would be fishing... we would come back to camp... tired... with or without fish... but later there would surely be a fire... and scary stories....

my dad was known for his campfire stories... and for trying to scare us kids (many nieces and nephews too) by making animal noises and shaking the tent while we slept.. or tried to...

one of my favorite stories was about a mystery creature in the woods.. it went like this:

"while on a hunting trip i was off scouting... i got separated from my hunting buddies... it got dark but i was on the trail of some moving game..at some point i lost the trail and figured it was time to head back to camp...only.. i had gotten turned around and i wasn't sure where i was....i started walking in the direction i thought camp might be... i was looking for anything familiar that would lead me there... i was hungry and tired.. and it was dark... the trees hid most of the starlight and i hadn't thought to bring my flashlight... suddenly i heard this whooping noise.. it sounded like a bird flapping it's wings... but this... had to have been a big bird... bigger than any bird i knew existed.... i shook it off and kept on walking... then i heard it again.. except this time the whooping was followed by a low growl... now.. i don't know any birds that growl neither... maybe they screech or squawk.. but never growl.. the next time i heard it.. it seemed closer.. much closer.. too close... so i squatted at he base of a tree and loaded my gun... i sat... and i listened.... i must have sat for ten minutes or so when i heard it... coming right for me... i took aim and the noise and shot off two rounds... i didn't hit it.. because i still heard it flying.. only... away from me... i hadn't been able to see it clearly when i aimed.. i only made out the silhouette of it's wings... they didn't look like bird's wings.. they looked more like bat wings... only very big... i wasn't able to see it's face but i saw it's eyes... looking right at me... they were red and glowing... i sat still.. listening... trying to to breathe.... i heard it circle...then come toward me again... the sound was right in line with me.. it wasn't just coming toward me.. it was coming at me... i took aim again... but waited.... waited till i couldn't stand it anymore.. and i shot... one round... in the echo of the bang i heard a thumb and the ground shook.... i had hit it.. it was down... it was close... at this point i was safe enough to try to head back to camp but i wanted to see this thing....i decided to stay right where i was until morning... i hunkered down and tried to sleep...finally the sun started to come up and i looked around me.. it was quiet and still... i walked a few yards ahead of me expecting to see the creature.. but i saw nothing... i thought maybe it was farther than i thought so i walked on... and still.. no creature... then.. in a pile of leaves and pine needles i saw blood.... no feathers.. and it looked as if something big had been laying there... i looked around.. for a blood trail.. maybe it had crawled off to die under a bush... but there was no trail... when i made it back to camp i told everyone about it and they came with me to look for it.. surely.. with all that blood i must have killed it.. but we never found it.. and we never knew what it was"

now.. many people have heard this story.. but it changes every time he tells it...one time he said he saw it and it looked like a naked very old man with wings.. another time it had teeth like razor blades... but one thing stayed the same.. everyone.. believed it... it was suspect in the way it always changed... in the way all of his stories changed.. the one about the ghost he drove home, the Indian statue that came to life and stalked campers, the flying Dutchman... so i asked him last year.. if ANY of his stories were true...now it's my secret to keep.. happy birthday papa!

today is my momma's birthday...

ahh birthdays...they started off with a bang this year... my papa's wake was held on my birthday...it was either that or we would have had to wait till after the weekend... it was a non issue.. seeing as how there was going to be little happiness on that day weather we had the viewing on that day or another... it was still going to be a tough birthday...

so today's my mom's first birthday without him... last year my dad and i took balloons to her job.. and we went for lunch... my dad had never really done anything like that for her... she kept thinking it was all my idea... but it went unsaid... that it could possibly be the last he would have with her... i think we thought that of all events last year...

my mom and dad struggled with their marriage.. as most marriages do have struggles... i think there was always love there... but little affection... when i was little my dad would chase my mom into the bedroom and tickle her... she would scream for me to help her.. i would yell at him until he let her up... those are some of my most precious memories of my parents....

if there was any blessing to be found in the monster that took him.. it is that my parents fell in love again... it was amazing to witness... to have been married for so long.. there had to be love there.. but this was the kind of love books are written about.. devotion... caring... gratitude... they were allies in this fight.. and they found each other through it...

there came a time when my dad needed a wheelchair... he continued to be independent in self care but sometimes needed help stabilizing when he stood... my mom never said.. "let me help you up" instead she said "give me a hug" and as she held him up there were sweet little kisses... i don't think she ever saw the tears streaming down my face.... it was cruel to consider that this would be taken from her soon...

on my dad's last day my mom brought him coffee... as she did every morning... he wasn't going to get out of bed... it was the first time i watched them break down together.. she begged him to get up... he just said.. i'm sorry... i'm sorry.. i'm sorry.. i'm just sorry.. and i have to believe that it wasn't just because he couldn't get out of bed... it was his way of giving her closure to their entire marriage...i'm sorry we waited to long ... i'm sorry it took cancer... i'm just sorry... that time i made no attempt to hide my tears...

i only know what it feels like to loose a dad... even if he was the most important person in my life.. i will never know or be able to understand what she lost... i pray that the memory of last year's birthday carries her through this one...

it has been 4 months

dear papa,

today marks four months since you have been gone.... four months since you took your last breath.. four months since you took our hearts with you...

in four months you have missed so much... i am finally done with school... i gained another 3 pounds... i am trying dad.. i promise... to loose... eric and i want a puppy to get us ready for parenthood.. i am looking for jobs closer to home... although part of me thinks.. what for? you aren't there.... eric is hunting this week.. i know he thinks of you.. misses calling you to talk strategy....

emilio is showing so much strength.. you would be so proud of him... he struggles with his grades.. but that's been an ongoing battle... the last thing he sees before he goes to sleep are huge pictures of you... he trying so hard to be tough.. to be what you would be for us..

mom is lost dad... totally lost... sometimes i think she is getting it together.. but it has to be so hard.. to juggle everything you did for us...and to miss the gift you gave her in your last days

you would be praying for mama vera dad.. she is having surgery on monday... you would be praying for cousins you looked on as sons and daughters... everybody's lives were upturned.. but i can see people are starting to move on... in a good way.. in a way you would want them to...

you have missed so much in four months... a lifetime has been lived in that long.. but we have missed you as well...

in four months we have not seen you smile... or seen you dance... or hear you sing... we have not seen your face light up at seemingly small things... we have not heard your rant over the new AZ immigration debacle.. we have not held your hand as you prayed for us...

it is so hard dad.. to conciser another month.. a year.. without you to come... but i know it will.. and it scares the hell out of me... my new favorite saying is "my daddy was a bull rider.. there isn't much i am afraid of"... but i am afraid.. every day.. to be here without you... i focus on your strength on your desire to live... and get through another day... but today... i need you papa... i selfishly need you HERE...

i love you,

Ana Marie