i think i was perplexed on my ideas vs. my ideals...
when my tata passed years ago... our home smelled like him for days... then later i got a visit... my husband and i got home from a road trip and the radio was on, and loud (it was the song he was buried to... number one.. it's a spanish song and i don't listen to spanish radio stations... number two... why was the radio on?) our apartment smelled of him for hours after we turned off the radio... then i started having "dreams"...they aren't really dreams..because they happen just before i fall into an actual sleep... they are very real.. i can feel things..like the fabric of his shirt... i can smell the oil in his hair... and when i "wake up" i feel overwhelmingly empty....
when my dad was fighting the monster my tata came to me... i told him i did not want to miss my dad the way i missed him... his mouth moved.. no sound came out... then later that month... he visited me and my brother as we napped.. i saw him look at my brother and shake his head... he couldn't believe what a man he'd turned into....i very very very much believe my visits are actual visits...i think my tata comes to me because i need him to...
when my nana passed years ago.. my mom saw her in the hallway of the house the day after she passed....she was healthy looking.. rather than looking like she did when Alzheimers not only took her memory but ravaged her body.. i very very very much believe my mom did see her...i believe my nana wanted my mom to know that she was no longer sick.. no longer suffering...
knowing these things one would think i would welcome a visit from my dad or some inkling that he is still with us... I DON'T... i haven't yet wrapped my mind around it yet.. but i think i prefer to believe that he is in a far better place than earth.. and that he is not thinking of us... i once heard (not sure where) that when you get to heaven you forget your earthly life.. so that you don't miss your loved ones.. and the life you had.. that heaven truly holds no tears... i want to believe that my dad is happy.. and not missing us or feeling helpless that he can no longer carry us as he did in life... i want to believe that we assured him on his last day that we would be okay without him.. that he passed on without worry....so i find myself closed to the idea... in order to believe the ideal...
it's a paradox of thinking i know... like i said.. i don't quite understand it myself...
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