today marks 5 months...and i wonder.. will i wake up every month on the first and be forced to feel farther away from you? i feel myself healing, filling that space that you occupied so heavily... but every month brings a new fear.. because time is moving on without you... i still don't understand how time goes on... my world exploded when you left... i wonder how everyone else was able to wake up today and not think of you... how has everyone else been able to move forward?
not everyone has dad, and i worry about them more than i do myself... i have you in me.. i am a piece of you.. i have within me your strength and the rest of your fight.. but what about those who don't dad? how do i help them?
for some reason this month has been a difficult one.. maybe it was your birthday and mom's birthday.. then memorial .. but this month more than any other.. i picked up the phone countless times to call you... i had the worst day last week... i taught this kindergarten class that walked all over me.. at the end of the day i walked out of the school laughing.. because i was going to call you and tell you about the little boy who peed in the corner.. when i asked him why.. he said.. "because".. i knew you would laugh... i ended up crying in my car...this huge weight on my shoulders.. realizing yet again.. i couldn't call you... you aren't there..
i am planning a trip home this summer dad. i'm scared.... terrified.. of what i am going to feel walking into the house knowing you aren't there... i am safe in my Michigan cocoon in a way... i have pictures of you everywhere.. you are all over the house when i talk about you or play your music... but i do not see your room, your chair, your clothes, your truck, your life... everywhere.. your headstone was put up too... a finality if you will.. that terrifies me too... unfinished business kept it a little unreal... but thats it.. that was the final thing to do.. it's done... now what?
i love you papa,