Monday, November 1, 2010

10 months

dear papa,
it is a bittersweet day papa... today i am reminded of the mixed blessing of death... i miss you so much... and you missed so much this month.. but i know last Halloween night was one of your worst.. i know how much pain you were in just one year ago yesterday... maybe in the most pain you had been in throughout the fight...
so while i hurt for you... and need you every second of the day... i also have to thank God that you are no longer in pain... that your fight was not long... that you passed with dignity... and that you are in heaven.
thinking of you in pain is not something that is easy for me to cope with... i also thought of you as i danced all night on Saturday... i thought of how hard it must have been for you to succumb to a wheelchair... to know you would not do your silly dances again... it's not just the physical pain you were in.. but the mental anguish of worrying about us and the realization you must have felt about what was happening.. it is when i think of those things that i can actually thank God for taking you when he did...
i love you papa... and i want so bad to see you smile at me.. or even frown at me... i want to kiss the top of you head...and i want to mean it when i tell people that i am ok.. that everything will be ok... today in this hour.. this minute.. i will allow myself a moment to think it won't...

ana marie

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