i am not sure where it comes from... the day will have gone well... i will have gotten through it unscathed... then.. i lay down to fall asleep.... i am sure to tire myself out completely.. so i know i am tired.. i know i should be able to sleep... a little tossing...a little turning.. then a flash.. the memory that sends pain to my core.. the memory of my dad in his last hours... unresponsive but his mouth searching for water... i used the stupid ice chip sponge to put water on his lips and gums but he moved his head... grunting.. he was so thirsty... and i was helpless... i don't know who noticed.. who knew... and i don't share this at all... because even now.. typing it.. so much is going on inside... a whole storm of emotions...... this is the only moment...after all he had already gone through.. when i questioned God.... when i was angry with God for reducing my dad to this... to allow suffering... needlessly..i had done really well until that point in understanding that cancer was not something God gave people.. was not a lesson to be learned.. was just a monster in and of itself... but i asked.. why not just take him now.. why allow him to lay there.. helpless. thirsty... why put us through this?so my night was spent thinking... and reliving these questions...and sorting out some other stuff...my relationship with God is personal.. and new... i am finding my way through this in the best way i know how... i don't know if i will ever be open to religion.. i see what it does to individuals.. i see people using religion to judge, condemn and justify horrible things... i understand that individuals never represent the whole... but it causes me to be wary of it all the same... but my dad, being new to Christianity... was obviously not new to virtue.. and i think if i can try to emulate his virtues i will find my way....
fellowship without judgement- when my dad had to stop working he would spend much of his time on the front porch reading and watching the neighborhood.. he befriended some Jehovah witness women... even after he began to have fellowship with his church they did not forget about him... one day he was in the shower and i answered the door.. they asked about his well being and left a scripture for him to ponder... when he got out of the shower another person made a snide remark about him talking with them...later he told me that he just wanted to talk about the bible, he didn't care with who...it wasn't a matter of being swayed toward any kind of religion.. it was about gaining understanding in any way....and that i should not judge wrongly like that other person had
honesty- my cousin was reading the bible to him one afternoon.. i suggested they read the story about the 4th man in the fire (my favorite.. plus it's a good johnny cash song).. dad had never heard it... in the story three men are brought to the king for refusing to worship a Babylonian god...they told the king that they did not fear the firey furnace they were to be thrown into because they had faith that God would protect them.. the furnace was so hot that it burned the soldiers who took the three men to the fire... and killed them.. the men came out of the furnace unburned and not even smelling like fire...while the men were in the fire a fourth man was seen (usually inferred to be God)... anyway after the story had been read my cousin asked my papa if he would have that much bravery to stand up to the king and be thrown in the fire... my dad thought a bit.. and said.. no... he would bow to the Babylon god.... he somewhat shocked my cousin, who was also his preacher and pillar of faith.... we laughed... he was honest in his answer... it was not in question of his faith... my dad had a very strong faith in God... it was a question of bravery and fear...
i think my dad's virtues are better followed than any religion.. and while someday maybe i will find my way toward a church and religion.. i will in the mean time work on my personal relationship and understanding of God.. maybe until i have faith enough not to lay awake questioning and reliving an all too painful moment...
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