it has been 4 months

dear papa,

today marks four months since you have been gone.... four months since you took your last breath.. four months since you took our hearts with you...

in four months you have missed so much... i am finally done with school... i gained another 3 pounds... i am trying dad.. i promise... to loose... eric and i want a puppy to get us ready for parenthood.. i am looking for jobs closer to home... although part of me thinks.. what for? you aren't there.... eric is hunting this week.. i know he thinks of you.. misses calling you to talk strategy....

emilio is showing so much strength.. you would be so proud of him... he struggles with his grades.. but that's been an ongoing battle... the last thing he sees before he goes to sleep are huge pictures of you... he trying so hard to be tough.. to be what you would be for us..

mom is lost dad... totally lost... sometimes i think she is getting it together.. but it has to be so hard.. to juggle everything you did for us...and to miss the gift you gave her in your last days

you would be praying for mama vera dad.. she is having surgery on monday... you would be praying for cousins you looked on as sons and daughters... everybody's lives were upturned.. but i can see people are starting to move on... in a good way.. in a way you would want them to...

you have missed so much in four months... a lifetime has been lived in that long.. but we have missed you as well...

in four months we have not seen you smile... or seen you dance... or hear you sing... we have not seen your face light up at seemingly small things... we have not heard your rant over the new AZ immigration debacle.. we have not held your hand as you prayed for us...

it is so hard dad.. to conciser another month.. a year.. without you to come... but i know it will.. and it scares the hell out of me... my new favorite saying is "my daddy was a bull rider.. there isn't much i am afraid of"... but i am afraid.. every day.. to be here without you... i focus on your strength on your desire to live... and get through another day... but today... i need you papa... i selfishly need you HERE...

i love you,

Ana Marie