Thursday, May 6, 2010

today is my momma's birthday...

ahh birthdays...they started off with a bang this year... my papa's wake was held on my birthday...it was either that or we would have had to wait till after the weekend... it was a non issue.. seeing as how there was going to be little happiness on that day weather we had the viewing on that day or another... it was still going to be a tough birthday...
so today's my mom's first birthday without him... last year my dad and i took balloons to her job.. and we went for lunch... my dad had never really done anything like that for her... she kept thinking it was all my idea... but it went unsaid... that it could possibly be the last he would have with her... i think we thought that of all events last year...


my mom and dad struggled with their marriage.. as most marriages do have struggles... i think there was always love there... but little affection... when i was little my dad would chase my mom into the bedroom and tickle her... she would scream for me to help her.. i would yell at him until he let her up... those are some of my most precious memories of my parents....
if there was any blessing to be found in the monster that took him.. it is that my parents fell in love again... it was amazing to witness... to have been married for so long.. there had to be love there.. but this was the kind of love books are written about.. devotion... caring... gratitude... they were allies in this fight.. and they found each other through it...
there came a time when my dad needed a wheelchair... he continued to be independent in self care but sometimes needed help stabilizing when he stood... my mom never said.. "let me help you up" instead she said "give me a hug" and as she held him up there were sweet little kisses... i don't think she ever saw the tears streaming down my face.... it was cruel to consider that this would be taken from her soon...
on my dad's last day my mom brought him coffee... as she did every morning... he wasn't going to get out of bed... it was the first time i watched them break down together.. she begged him to get up... he just said.. i'm sorry... i'm sorry.. i'm sorry.. i'm just sorry.. and i have to believe that it wasn't just because he couldn't get out of bed... it was his way of giving her closure to their entire marriage...i'm sorry we waited to long ... i'm sorry it took cancer... i'm just sorry... that time i made no attempt to hide my tears...

i only know what it feels like to loose a dad... even if he was the most important person in my life.. i will never know or be able to understand what she lost... i pray that the memory of last year's birthday carries her through this one...

1 comment:

  1. We just celebrated my mom's first birthday without my dad too. Each milestone we pass without him is just as hard as the last. It's amazing how much Cancer teaches us all. I know we have learned more in my dad's death then we thought possible.

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