journal part 3

yesterday my husband and i went to see the latest disney earth day release called african cats... over the past 3 installments it has become a tradition that we see these documentaries opening weekend... the theater was almost empty so i didn't hide my dorky "oooohs" and "aaahhhhs" at some of the cooler moments.. like the high speed camera usage during the cheetah chase scenes or the cute yawns of the lion cubs.... the plan was after the early movie i would put a roast in the crock pot and he would go out hunting.. instead we were attached at the hip for most of the day.. he even stood next to me while i did dishes.... then just before dinner was ready the conversation started.. i don't know who started it...but we talked about dad... he wanted me to recount his last night (as he was unable to be there at the bedside but came a few days later)... who was there? what did you do? how did you feel?..."do you miss him:?" i asked.. "of course" he answered and i understood our clingy-ness after the movie.. that was their thing... dad and my husband.. they would call each other after knowing one had gone hunting.. they would talk on the phone till the batteries ran out of one of their cell phones.. sometimes dad would call and after a quick hello would tell me to give my husband the phone..i would jokingly throw a hissy fit but i loved it... he was missing dad after watching the movie.. i was too... i grew up on religious taping of marty stouffer's wild america and nature on pbs... watching any nature show ultimately makes me think of dad... apparently it had the same effect on my husband as well.. so while it was easter and i have many easter memories of my dad, mostly seeing him at the grill... what brought him to mind this time was what he loved most.. nature... happy earth day indeed!

so this is the journal entry i promised in the last post... it was written on april 23rd.. it was the second entry in the journal that i am now trying to reclaim.. i was avoiding him.. i checked in with my mom or cousin for updates.. but i hadn't spoken to him an a while... dialing the phone sent me into a panic... and i would sob uncontrollability... i spent many hours of the days curled up and my poor husband didn't know what to do for me.. it's a helpless feeling that sends me into panic mode..there was nothing the doctors could do.. nothing he could do.. nothing i could do...

April 23, 2009

Dad,

i haven't talked to you since the day we got that last bit of bad news. i am just not strong enough yet. i don't want to bring you down with my crying and negativity, but at the same time i just want to hear your voice. even if it is just to talk about the weather, like most of our conversations end up. i hate being so far away from you but i think me being here has forced us to talk in ways we never have before. when i am home we are perfectly content to be in the same room together. although i have always taken comfort in our ability to just be with each other and not rely on idle conversation.

(my husband) and i are at each other's throats lately. we are both dealing with the guilt of being so far. and as much as i hate to say it out loud i have wondered if it was worth it. if he was worth leaving my family, leaving you. i love him so much but i am losing you, not him. but here i am stupidly writing a letter that will never be sent. i can not even find the bravery to pick up the phone and talk to you. i really am trying to find strength. and do you know what helped today, of all things? i talked to (my brother) today. i called to check on him, to say i am here for him, but instead he ended up comforting me. he is becoming such a young man. he is stoic and logical like you. i never want you to worry about him dad. i have loved that kid more than my own life since he was born. i could promise that i will always take care of him, but i think it is more realistic to say we will end up taking care of each-other.

good night dad, i love you... oh and it was warm today.. about 60 degrees