going forward

going forward is NOT getting over it.. is NOT forgetting.. is NOT giving up... is NOT "moving on"... going forward is simply putting one foot in front of another... is the act of getting and staying out of bed (sometimes)... is completing the seemingly menial tasks of the day... all this.. in spite of grief....

i don't know the exact quote... and i saw it on a movie of all places but it goes something like "what is tomorrow, but a yesterday that you thought you couldn't face?" how true is that?

daily, when dealing with grief, we struggle with the idea of tomorrow.. can i do it all over again tomorrow? or simply.. i just can't do this anymore! but we do... and each day is a step, going forward...

in effort of my own "forwardness" i have applied to volunteer with hospice of Michigan... i would love to work in community outreach or with grief support and with my degree in education i think i'd be better apt to work with kids... (my brother had a terrible experience with grief counseling, so much so that he has always refused help.. i'd like to change that for at least one kid) however.. i will do whatever is needed of me... i chose to take this step forward in effort to get out of my own grief and also maybe, possibly... lead someone else .. forward.. so fingers, toes and eyes crossed... Lord let me be put where you want me!

so.. after i sent away my application (and because i can see now!!!! thanks to God and my wonderful new doctors who finally fit me with specialty contacts!) ... i have been able to pick up a book again and my random choice is a memoir of a recent widow as she finds her new place in the world without her husband.. and it got me thinking.. as words on a page normally do to one so obsessed with words...i understand what it is like to lose a dad... although i only KNOW what it is like to be me and lose MY dad... has anyone ever said "oh i know how you feel"? well they don't... not really.. because they don't have your experiences.. so as much as i know my own pain from my loss.. i have no earthly idea what it is like to lose a spouse.. a partner.. someone who you handed your children to.. someone you looked across the table at every day with love and disdain.. someone you trusted to be with you in your old age.. someone you planned with, slept with, fought with.. i don't know what it is like to lose that... that being said i also have no experience losing a child or sibling... is loss so universal that i or anyone can "help" another person with their grief? maybe it is just a matter of assuring them.. they can move forward...