Thursday, April 7, 2011

brother bear

"Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face gettin' clearer,
the past is gone It went by like dusk to dawn,
Isn't that the way? Everybody's got their dues in life to pay"

grief does this horrible thing to us.. it separates us..intentions are there but we forget sometimes...what our own loss means to someone else.. our loss becomes our own.. MY loss, MY needs.. MY pain.. MY sorrow... and inside of our grief we become frustrated at others for not understanding us, helping us, saving us...all that we can fathom is how we are feeling...
meanwhile there is someone left twisting in the breeze.. someone whose shoulders may look big and strong but are already holding so much...someone we will never help or console if there is that little voice inside that asks "what about me?"
when my dad was coming out of surgery.. i was the first to see him.. he motioned for me to come closer.. and i thought there would be a touching moment between father and daughter but instead he asked "how is your brother?"..half jokingly i said "hey, what about me?"... much later when his hospital bed was delivered i was sent to pick up my brother from school.. my dad asked me to tell him about it.. to ready him to see it... even later my most vivid memories are watching him put on the strongest face when my brother was in the room... something as simple as holding the phone in his shaky arm, all but refusing my brother's help in holding it to his ear...
i think there was a lesson in all that.. i think he understood something we didn't... my dad had already understood my strength...understood what i could handle... and what he saw in my brother.. was not a child.. wasn't just a son.. certainly wasn't the favorite (haha) but in him, he saw the one of us three that would need the most understanding and patience in all of this..
i am reminded of my dad's nightly prayers for God to give his family strength and comfort.. and God does that for us daily.. the fact that we wake up and get out of bed daily is a testament to that... but if we want to.. if we step outside of ourselves we can give those things to each other as well..
and sure my heart aches.. i am missing my protector, my source of strength... but what is the cost of my loss to someone else... because my brother lost his one true ally.. lost the only person in this world who didn't expect anything of him.. he lost his best friend.. and we fail him daily don't we? by allowing the space that my dad left to be unfilled.. by continuing to ask "what about me?"

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