journal part 2

this is my daddy TWO DAYS after his nephrectomy surgery (kidney removal) my husband wasn't able to be there for the surgery but came two days later... my dad insisted we take him out to the desert for a walk (this was the kind of time he enjoyed spending with my husband) ... he wasn't able to walk but sat in his chair, in his pj pants and watched us and the wild animals frolic... it is such a precious memory of my papa's strength and devotion to his kids... he would have truly done anything for us... if strong will and love for family could keep someone alive he would surely still be with us

my husband bought me a journal for one of our anniversaries...i loved it.. i carried it around everywhere just in case the need to write should arise.. i wrote very small to keep from using too many pages.... there is something about a journal that makes you feel important.. the thoughts that are in my head are so important and life changing that i must write them down.. least they do not fulfill their purpose of changing the world.. right? if you write then you know what i am saying.. we write because we secretly hope that after we are long gone someone will find our life altering words hidden away and a new course of history will be attributed to us.... so this journal (leather bound and studded) had it's pages ripped out in april... i burned everything i had written in it prior to the day in april when it became UNSENT letters to my papa.. there are only 7 letters starting in april 2009 and a final one in march 2011 just before i started this blog... (october's letter is written under "journal part 1")..there are not many entries i think because so much wasn't being acknowledged.. my honesty about fear was there but i think i was too scared to write sometimes.. to scared that ink on paper would make it too real... so today starts the april letter series in my attempt to get my journal back.. to once again use it for trite coffee house musings and poorly written poetry... in effort to come full circle in a way.. and as always to honor my daddy...

in april 2009 my dad had been formally diagnosed.. he had already had his kidney and mother tumor removed.. at this point the pathology report came back with bleak news...there would be no cure.. only treatments that were unlikely to work.. up until this point death was not an option.. it was as simple as removing the kidney... we all thought that would be the end of this... our hope was that the nodes visible in his lungs would go away after the main tumor was gone... that obviously did not happen...

for newer readers- understand that i did not live, nor do i currently life, in the same state as my family... much travelling was done..and phone calls.. but i also had the advantage of being able to hide from this every once and while... while i also had the disadvantage of being alone in this...

april 2009

Dad,

i cut out all of the pages in my journal. i can't help but feel like nothing else really mattered before this. i haven't been able to fall asleep without distractions, otherwise i am bound to cry all night. i just can't believe it, but at the same time my all too logical mind won't let me believe in miracles. you are dying. i say it over and over again. my dad is dying. and when i am not thinking about it i feel guilty for allowing myself to be so easily distracted (by tv or music). and when i begin to feel guilty everything comes our into a fight of some sort. i have lost so much precious time with you, i have lost 6 years of making memories. how was i to know the end would come so quickly? how many birthday's have i missed? your bithday is next month and all i can can think is please God don't let it be your last.

i ended that first entry abruptly.. and i can still so vividly remember what i was thinking.. "just stop ana marie" .. just stop..s top crying.. stop being a baby.. stop being negative.. stop being so weak! i struggled with the way i was feeling.. i struggled to allow myself to feel it... in the end.. i stopped... and i kept stopping.. like i said.. today is the first of the april journal entries.. so expect another on the 23rd, 26th and 31st... i expect this will be quite an emotional month...