Friday, January 7, 2011

where do i start?

epic, healing, confirming, fun, sad.... those are all words to describe my recent trip home...
we celebrated Christmas, New Years and my birthday for the first time without papa... we also let pass the anniversary of him leaving this earth...bear with me.. this is a long one...

epic- i began this list of 30 things i have never done 30 days before my 30th birthday... i knew that without time and cash flow i would have to count even this little things... but i learned something as the 30 days passed... this was about life... every day we do new things.. we have new experiences without so much as a grand parade.. but what i got out of my list was that life is full of wonders.. even little ones.. and for 30 days i really REALLY enjoyed and appreciated every day that God has given me...

  1. watched an entire episode of Glee... wasn't as bad as i thought it would be
  2. apologized first (even though i still think i was right)
  3. drove on a nonexistent suspended license
  4. stayed patiently on hold for 46 minutes and did not hang up till someone picked up
  5. called a radio station to talk about sports
  6. went a whole 9 days without shaving my legs (my old record was 7)
  7. wore a dress to work (ok i mean in a classroom setting, i have worn many dresses when i worked in an office)
  8. made my mom's sugar cookies from scratch, from MEMORY (this was out of pure necessity as i am terrified of ever asking her for that recipe again)
  9. answered my phone "ahoy hoy" it was someone from my dr's office and they totally ignored it
  10. walked barefoot in snow for 10 seconds.. word to the wise.. DO NOT put your feet in warm water right afterward
  11. paid for coffee for the person behind me at the Tim Horton’s drive thru
  12. sat in the front section of the airplane, the noise isn’t worth the extra leg room
  13. was serenaded by a fat man playing a ukulele at the airport
  14. played Just Dance on the Wii (warning if you have this game do not tell me, apparently I am an addict)
  15. rode in the back of a pick up truck, as an adult
  16. laughed so hard I peed my pants, as an adult
  17. laughed so hard I woke up with a sore face, as an adult
  18. tried a spider roll.. yum
  19. ate an entire meal with chopsticks, I usually switch to a fork for rice
  20. ate and enjoyed eel sauce
  21. did NOT have menudo on Christmas day :( (this is my least favorite)
  22. rode Phoenix’s above ground subway system (the light rail), with superman no less!
  23. sang Disney karaoke
  24. played Rock Band with a complete band
  25. played “headbands,” super fun!
  26. was not the youngest person playing a game, when the rules said to start with the youngest person (this is my 2nd least favorite)
  27. went on a random search for Doritos
  28. spent over 450.00 at one store, on my own
  29. visited a county clinic
  30. watched an entire season of weeds in a matter of hours
healing- it is no secret that my brother and i have been hurt with my dad's family for all but abandoning us... but as i reconciled with 3 of my daddy's sisters over the holiday i realized my hurt and anger was displaced.. i can not place my feelings on other people.. i have to take on my feelings as my own... i fully understood that they did not know nor understand why we would feel hurt... i can not expect my papa's family to meet these unattainable standards.. my anger melted away... i am done.. it's over... and i can move forward loving like my daddy taught me to...

confirming- in the same way that i am my papa's daughter my brother truly is his son (this is when the tears come... if i am welling up.. i know you are too.. and i am sorry.. but if you think "this is too hard to read" understand that it is harder to write) my brother is driving... my dad's truck... but in the way that he is built like him, walks like him, is stubborn like him, ponders like him... my heart felt full and broke at the same time.. watching him cross the threshold of adulthood without our dad... i am so proud of the man he is becoming..i see him growing up, making better decisions.. driving on the freeway for the first time.. and i know.. it has to be hard for him.. to miss his dad.. his best friend..and also deal with the fear of being abandoned once more.. .the fear of mortality is not one that a 17 year old boy should have to deal with.. so the fact that he wakes up every day and does what he needs to do. is a tribute to the strength that dad gave us...

fun- i think i laughed more in the two weeks that i was home, than i ever have in my 30 years and one day of life... laughter is something that we need... with every haha.. i feel myself becoming lighter.. with every hehe i feel my soul beginning to mend.. and this time.. i realized i wasn't feeling the guilt that came after the laughter like a bitter aftertaste... guilt that we were living and laughing without papa...

sad- yesterday was my birthday.. last year on this day i attended my daddy's wake.. today, last year.. i watched his coffin be lowered into the ground... i tried to be busy... to listen to my books on tape, watched movies, slept, cleaned, shopped... all day yesterday.... and i did well with that plan.. but as soon as the stillness and quiet came last night, i pictured his body in the coffin.. i pictured him.fragile listening to the bible on cd.. i pictures him as he lay there on that hospice delivered bed.. holding my hand.. looking into my eyes... and try as i might to change the channel in my brain...i saw all of the things i never wanted to relive again... crying is supposed to be healing... i am still waiting for that feeling to come today... it will come though... it will...


  1. As I wrote in my 01/12/11 column, I have finally succeeded in creating a Writing Award badge. I am contacting all of the cancer bloggers who have previously been featured at Being Cancer Network and were inducted into our Honor Roll for Excellence in Cancer Writing.

    The award badge features our lighthouse logo against a circle of royal blue with the words “Honor Roll for Excellence in Cancer Writing” superimposed in gold over the image. It measures 108 x 125 pixels. It should easily fit a standard sidebar. It has been tested on both Wordpress and Blogger sites using their widget tools.

    Please feel free to display the badge on your site as you choose. You deserve the recognition. If you send me an email ( I will send your HTML code for the badge.
    Take care, and keep up the good, strong writing. Dennis