Monday, January 24, 2011

It's a love without end.. amen

have you ever heard that song "let me tell you a secret about a father's love, a secret that my daddy said was just between us. you see daddy's don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.. amen"?
so i wasn't going to write today, truth be told i haven't much felt like writing.. as usual i am trying to hold in some things i just don't want to think about much less write about.. i tried to get some of you to write for me (please note that guest blogs are always welcome, write about a memory.. or write about your own lost loved one, or a cancer experience, it would certainly help me out during times like these when i just don't want to write, email posts to
i digress... by saying that it is not the writing that is the problem.. it is the sharing..i keep some things just for me, i am open, albeit sometimes too open... but sometimes.. i know some of you worry about me and i don't want that.. i just want to feel within myself... all the while knowing that writing is what is going to help me in the long run.. yes it is a vicious cycle.. i know...
digressing yet again and back to the topic at hand... (are you following my tangents ok?)... the song came on today, as i was reformatting and dealing with blog issues.. and i thought.. well there is my sign.. wait.. one more tangent... i need to say that i don't necessarily believe nor need signs from my dad, so that is not what i mean here... only that the song was saying "hey dummy, you can't hide.. just write"
it also reminded me about new years... my cousin had suggested and planned new years eve in her home.. the idea was to have it far enough that we could get away from thinking what new years meant (the anniversary of papa's passing)... we could cut loose.. relax.. enjoy and cry if need be.. which is exactly what we needed.. we had done so well through Christmas...i for one was busy trying to be strong.. hide.. avoid.. you get the picture by now... and my strength was hanging by a tread on this night...
i danced, laughed, played games, ate way too many tamales... all the while knowing.. dreading what feelings would surface come midnight...
at midnight my cousin prayed in the new year... and off he and my brother went to ring the cowbell and it came... the feeling that i worked so hard to suppress.. it came... and i kept saying to myself.. it has been a year... it shouldn't feel this fresh.. it shouldn't hurt this much... but it did... and it does... as my cousins and brother circled back in dad's truck after literally ringing in the new year i caught the song that was blasting on the was that song... again.. not a sign from my dad who is blissfully camping in the most glorious woods we should ever be so blessed to see.. but a sign none the less.. to get the heck out of the bathroom and cry if i need to cry... and cry i did...
and so what if i had to stop a few times while writing this post to cry... a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do right?


  1. Yup!
    Get it, and live it.
    I'm going on 2 years on the 8th of Feb and it feels like yesterday.. I have asked my dad, to not flash all the freaking lights on in the house at 4:30am again this year .. but we will see what the sign is this time around.

  2. i didn't mean that the song was a sign from my dad..see this entry on that
    but i am so glad to know that someone has made it two years.. gives me hope to know what is ahead of me!