my new La Bamba

from since i can remember watching movies... maybe from the first time i ever saw La Bamba, i have had this sickness.. this need.. to cry.... once in a while.. i will take out all of my sad movies... put one in and cry.. my go-to... has mostly been La Bamba....i was minute away from putting it in today... because i knew i needed a release... all week, every night, every morning.. i have been fighting the urge to cry... when i close my eyes at night i see my dad sitting in his wheelchair with his head hung down.. asleep.. i will think about how hard he fought sleep and feel guilty that i didn't fight it with him... that i didn't make more of that time... every morning, this week, i have opened my eyes and felt this sinking sensation.. this emptiness.. all of this is normal.. something i should expect to feel from time to time... but for whatever nonsensical reason i have suppressed every feeling inside of me to let it out... i physically shake my head and say "no, not doing it" and i try to busy my mind.... but today i was prepared to watch La Bamba and cry it out...

something different happened though... something unexpected and strange... i went to the library to pick up a book on CD they were holding for me (i like to listed to books while i crochet)... i left the library without looking at it... when i got home and started loading it onto my mp3 player i realized they had given me the wrong cd set...this was not the mystery i expected.. what i got was a memoir about a girl about my age... who lost her mom to breast cancer.. it was written during her mom's last few weeks on hospice.... it took me about an hour to decide to plunge in....

i have spent the entire day listening to this book.. i've crocheted during the funny chapters... i got down on my bed in the fetal position during the heart wrenchingly sad parts... i have relived my dad's last 3 months on earth through this book... and i have come out clean..

in "The Mercy Papers" by Robin Romm.. i found solace.. i found a kindred spirit.. from the moment she wanted everyone out of the house... to the trip to walmart to buy a rubber bed sheet...

through her writing i relived the lunacy and importance of finding the remote control... buying the right flavor of ensure... and the panic induced guilty feeling of being at the grocery store and not with him... she put into perspective the anger i felt toward people when they would tell me i needed to get out of the house... i think.. i finally felt.. understood....

in a weird change of events i had my release today... but i didn't need La Bamba... i don't fully buy into the universe sending me things... i think it is what it is.. but it just happened to be what i needed today