anyway.. what i did take away from it was a personal need to forgive...i will be the first to admit that i hold a lot of anger... it fuels me... it allows me to work full speed.... but unless i get rid of it (even a little of it) i can not heal....truth be told healing is scary in that i am afraid to forget him... and to forget this feeling... but... he would want me to move forward (never move on.. move forward)... so i have to forgive....
today i wrote a letter to his oncologist... in it i forgive him.. for his tunnel vision in treating him...for his lack of understanding kidney cancer in it's specificness.... in it.. i ask that he look into reforming IL-2 eligibility criteria... i ask that he review the use of Sutent... neither of which were used on my papa... i informed him that my dad would have had hot lava pushed into his veins if it meant he would have a few more years, months.. even days... i also tell him that i do not not blame him for my dad's cancer.. nor his demise.. i have to believe that my dad would have taken from us even if he would have qualified for IL-2 or had tried Sutent.. but he should have been given the opportunity to try them as treatment options... it breaks my heart that when he was told there was nothing else they could try.. it was a lie... there were options... i also reminded him the power he holds over oncology patients who put their faith in him to fully inform them...it was a letter a long time coming...
i also am going to take this opportunity to formally forgive people in my life that, at the time, i felt did not give us the support we needed.. it was selfish and close minded for me to believe that you could make it better simply by "being there"... blame had to go somewhere and it went to some of you.. i understand now that sometimes people don't know what to do or say... truth be told some of that anger came from jealousy that this did not affect your life as it so twisted mine... what kind of friend am i to only love those that are there for me... friendship is not based on reliance... neither is love.. i forgive and love you!
i will have a harder time forgiving those that i feel did my dad wrong by not being there for HIM as they could have.. i will have a harder time forgiving those who disguised their need to be the center of attention as "caring"... i will have a harder time forgiving those who have abandoned what is left of my family.... but.. the forgiveness will come.. because i believe that those that i will have a harder time forgiving do not know what hurt they've caused... so what is the point in hanging onto that anger? it will come.. i'm sure it will... and today i feel lighter... i feel a pebble sized void has been filled in the giant whole my papa left me with....
lovely post.your dad would be proud of you.tc mort
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