gifts

this is a little statue my cousin gave me to over the thanksgiving holiday.. it was very touching.. especially because sometimes i think people are afraid to bring him up or remind me of him.. and in getting this for me it showed she thought of us.. not just me but us... thank you!

in just a few weeks i will be home with my family... and we will celebrate Christmas without papa...this is an idea that i thought i had gotten used to.. until i began, as most of us are doing now, shopping for gifts... i found myself picking things up to buy for my dad... then being hit.. yet again with the reality that he will not be there (when does this stop happening by the way? i am no longer in denial.. right? so why does this happen? i am really ready for that fresh feeling of pain to stop)... well over the weekend.. i really did buy a gift... i rationalized that i had bought it for my mom.. but once i got it home i had to be honest with myself in that i actually bought it for him... i called my brother... "is it weird to buy and wrap a gift for dad?" "not weird, just really sad"... we decided that he would open the gift... i find myself wondering how many years will we do this before we stop including him entirely?

on the subject of gifts i asked a question today... what was the best gift you were ever given.. and the answer had to be something tangible... we all love our families and appreciate the love we get from friends.. i had a hard time coming up with one... i appreciate everything i receive.. if someone gives you something it means they were thinking of you.. and that is what matters most... but.. in choosing i remembered how my cousin took me for a pedicure last year on my birthday.. it wasn't just my birthday.. it was also the day of my papa's wake... (more on that later)... i was happy to go.. especially because it meant i would spend quality time with one of my most favorite people.. but in getting there and being pampered... i was really able to relax... the massage chair worked out all the knots i didn't know i had been building up.. it was such a release... papa was no longer in pain.. and as much as i ached for him.. i was able to breathe.. to let a little bit of it go and be flushed with the foot bath water.... if you know someone who has lost someone... yes the casseroles and plants are nice.. they are very appreciated... but concider giving the person a neutral place and time to let.. go...