Monday, July 26, 2010

comming home...

i have been home in Ariz. for a few days now...i will be the first to admit i was quite nervous... this is the first time i have been home since my papa passed... i worried about how i would feel being in the house... seeing the sink we spent hours at... seeing his recliner... seeing all of the empty space he left.... while it has been hard it has also been healing.. we have been able to talk about him.. not always accompanied by tears.. we have laughed.. cried.. and shared...
being in his truck was hardest.. it smells like him... like work.. like desert dust...
it doesn't help that my brother in his masochistic style.. insists on listening to dad's music at most times...
i have yet to visit the grave site... more apprehension... not knowing how i will react is the hardest part... odd that reacting is the easiest, most natural thing to do...
i have done very well, considering... and i was thinking about it.. more than likely while i was supposed to be listening to someone...i apologize in advance for being a bit spacey, as i have a lot to contemplate... but i digress... i think i have been able to simply feel because he is very much a part of us.. and the house... i know my dad is in paradise.. more than likely cooking fish over a camp fire... but he is here as well.. in the form of memories... my papa wore hats (ball caps) all the time.. and there is at least one hat in every room.. as if he left them there...
i also believe... as many people remark on how well we are doing as a family.. that it is a testament to my papa.. we were not left with hurt feelings, regrets.. ugly memories... he truly left us in tact with beautiful memories and knowing with all our souls that he loved us...
here is hoping i can remember this when i visit his headstone....

2 comments:

  1. Great blog and great post! I have added you to my 900 Cancer Blogs list under both kidney cancer and "the other survivors". In addition I plan to republish this post on August 16 with two links to your site as well as a link to the original post. You may see an increase in traffic to you site. Please consider adding Being Cancer Network to you blogroll. www.beingcancer.net

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  2. wow..thanks a ton! i have added a link to the main page!

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