another 5 things you should know about my papa

this is part 3 of the "5 things" series.. below are the links to part 1 and 2:

http://fighthopeheal.blogspot.com/2010/04/5-things-you-must-know-about-my-papa.html

http://fighthopeheal.blogspot.com/2010/05/5-more-things-you-should-know-about-my.html

i recently explained my insomnia out loud and realized something.. i am controlling it... it is never that i can't sleep.. it is always that i don't want to... there are nights when i refuse to close my eyes.. because i know i will see things i don't want to.. i know i will see my daddy sick and frail.. i know i will relive his sickest moments.. so i don't sleep.. i pop in a disney movie or crochet until i can think of happy things...so last night as i was up.. too cold to get out of bed to watch a movie or crochet... i stared into the blackness and came up with another 5 things i want you to know about my papa:

my dad was never bored: he could easily amuse himself... usually by making some kind of animal call with his mouth.. his favorite was a javelina call.. one particularly uneventful fishing trip comes to mind... on one side of the lake sat my dad, myself, my brother and my husband.. on the other was a pair of men... then after an entire day of nibbles my dad begins to call in these phantom javelina... the men across the lake didn't realize that the horrible sound was coming from my dad.. they looked left and right for the large hairy pig.. when they realized it was my dad they laughed in relief and we all called it a day...

he liked trying new things: on one trip to San Fransisco he talked us all into trying "authentic" Chinese food... lets just say it involved a few live things.. and some tepid octopus... not to mention the time he decided to take up skate boarding and went out and bought himself a skate board complete with vicious looking cobra on the deck

he loved kids: before i came along he doted on his nieces and nephews.. each of us, it seems, had our own song... most didn't have words.. just a cute little tune.. either way.. we were are very special to him

he didn't drink: he sipped... he nursed.. possibly before i was born and in his younger years he did.. but what i like about this is that he didn't need to.. he was fun and laid back all on his own... he was real.. all the time

he was slow: he drove slow, ate slow, walked slow.. and it drove people nuts... i am sure it drove me nuts a time or two... but now when i think about it, i can appreciate it... that he didn't rush through life... he was always stopping to smell the roses...

It's a love without end.. amen

have you ever heard that song "let me tell you a secret about a father's love, a secret that my daddy said was just between us. you see daddy's don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.. amen"?

so i wasn't going to write today, truth be told i haven't much felt like writing.. as usual i am trying to hold in some things i just don't want to think about much less write about.. i tried to get some of you to write for me (please note that guest blogs are always welcome, write about a memory.. or write about your own lost loved one, or a cancer experience, it would certainly help me out during times like these when i just don't want to write, email posts to amberumen@yahoo.com)

i digress... by saying that it is not the writing that is the problem.. it is the sharing..i keep some things just for me, i am open, albeit sometimes too open... but sometimes.. i know some of you worry about me and i don't want that.. i just want to feel within myself... all the while knowing that writing is what is going to help me in the long run.. yes it is a vicious cycle.. i know...

digressing yet again and back to the topic at hand... (are you following my tangents ok?)... the song came on today, as i was reformatting and dealing with blog issues.. and i thought.. well there is my sign.. wait.. one more tangent... i need to say that i don't necessarily believe nor need signs from my dad, so that is not what i mean here... only that the song was saying "hey dummy, you can't hide.. just write"

it also reminded me about new years... my cousin had suggested and planned new years eve in her home.. the idea was to have it far enough that we could get away from thinking what new years meant (the anniversary of papa's passing)... we could cut loose.. relax.. enjoy and cry if need be.. which is exactly what we needed.. we had done so well through Christmas...i for one was busy trying to be strong.. hide.. avoid.. you get the picture by now... and my strength was hanging by a tread on this night...

i danced, laughed, played games, ate way too many tamales... all the while knowing.. dreading what feelings would surface come midnight...

at midnight my cousin prayed in the new year... and off he and my brother went to ring the cowbell http://fighthopeheal.blogspot.com/2010/04/lifetime-of-lessons-on-his-last-day-of.html and it came... the feeling that i worked so hard to suppress.. it came... and i kept saying to myself.. it has been a year... it shouldn't feel this fresh.. it shouldn't hurt this much... but it did... and it does... as my cousins and brother circled back in dad's truck after literally ringing in the new year i caught the song that was blasting on the radio..it was that song... again.. not a sign from my dad who is blissfully camping in the most glorious woods we should ever be so blessed to see.. but a sign none the less.. to get the heck out of the bathroom and cry if i need to cry... and cry i did...

and so what if i had to stop a few times while writing this post to cry... a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do right?

where do i start?

epic, healing, confirming, fun, sad.... those are all words to describe my recent trip home...

we celebrated Christmas, New Years and my birthday for the first time without papa... we also let pass the anniversary of him leaving this earth...bear with me.. this is a long one...

epic- i began this list of 30 things i have never done 30 days before my 30th birthday... i knew that without time and cash flow i would have to count even this little things... but i learned something as the 30 days passed... this was about life... every day we do new things.. we have new experiences without so much as a grand parade.. but what i got out of my list was that life is full of wonders.. even little ones.. and for 30 days i really REALLY enjoyed and appreciated every day that God has given me...

1. watched an entire episode of Glee... wasn't as bad as i thought it would be
2. apologized first (even though i still think i was right)
3. drove on a nonexistent suspended license
4. stayed patiently on hold for 46 minutes and did not hang up till someone picked up
5. called a radio station to talk about sports
6. went a whole 9 days without shaving my legs (my old record was 7)
7. wore a dress to work (ok i mean in a classroom setting, i have worn many dresses when i worked in an office)
8. made my mom's sugar cookies from scratch, from MEMORY (this was out of pure necessity as i am terrified of ever asking her for that recipe again)
9. answered my phone "ahoy hoy" it was someone from my dr's office and they totally ignored it
10. walked barefoot in snow for 10 seconds.. word to the wise.. DO NOT put your feet in warm water right afterward
11. paid for coffee for the person behind me at the Tim Horton’s drive thru
12. sat in the front section of the airplane, the noise isn’t worth the extra leg room
13. was serenaded by a fat man playing a ukulele at the airport
14. played Just Dance on the Wii (warning if you have this game do not tell me, apparently I am an addict)
15. rode in the back of a pick up truck, as an adult
16. laughed so hard I peed my pants, as an adult
17. laughed so hard I woke up with a sore face, as an adult
18. tried a spider roll.. yum
19. ate an entire meal with chopsticks, I usually switch to a fork for rice
20. ate and enjoyed eel sauce
21. did NOT have menudo on Christmas day :( (this is my least favorite)
22. rode Phoenix’s above ground subway system (the light rail), with superman no less!
23. sang Disney karaoke
24. played Rock Band with a complete band
25. played “headbands,” super fun!
26. was not the youngest person playing a game, when the rules said to start with the youngest person (this is my 2nd least favorite)
27. went on a random search for Doritos
28. spent over 450.00 at one store, on my own
29. visited a county clinic
30. watched an entire season of weeds in a matter of hours

healing- it is no secret that my brother and i have been hurt with my dad's family for all but abandoning us... but as i reconciled with 3 of my daddy's sisters over the holiday i realized my hurt and anger was displaced.. i can not place my feelings on other people.. i have to take on my feelings as my own... i fully understood that they did not know nor understand why we would feel hurt... i can not expect my papa's family to meet these unattainable standards.. my anger melted away... i am done.. it's over... and i can move forward loving like my daddy taught me to...

confirming- in the same way that i am my papa's daughter my brother truly is his son (this is when the tears come... if i am welling up.. i know you are too.. and i am sorry.. but if you think "this is too hard to read" understand that it is harder to write) my brother is driving... my dad's truck... but in the way that he is built like him, walks like him, is stubborn like him, ponders like him... my heart felt full and broke at the same time.. watching him cross the threshold of adulthood without our dad... i am so proud of the man he is becoming..i see him growing up, making better decisions.. driving on the freeway for the first time.. and i know.. it has to be hard for him.. to miss his dad.. his best friend..and also deal with the fear of being abandoned once more.. .the fear of mortality is not one that a 17 year old boy should have to deal with.. so the fact that he wakes up every day and does what he needs to do. is a tribute to the strength that dad gave us...

fun- i think i laughed more in the two weeks that i was home, than i ever have in my 30 years and one day of life... laughter is something that we need... with every haha.. i feel myself becoming lighter.. with every hehe i feel my soul beginning to mend.. and this time.. i realized i wasn't feeling the guilt that came after the laughter like a bitter aftertaste... guilt that we were living and laughing without papa...

sad- yesterday was my birthday.. last year on this day i attended my daddy's wake.. today, last year.. i watched his coffin be lowered into the ground... i tried to be busy... to listen to my books on tape, watched movies, slept, cleaned, shopped... all day yesterday.... and i did well with that plan.. but as soon as the stillness and quiet came last night, i pictured his body in the coffin.. i pictured him.fragile listening to the bible on cd.. i pictures him as he lay there on that hospice delivered bed.. holding my hand.. looking into my eyes... and try as i might to change the channel in my brain...i saw all of the things i never wanted to relive again... crying is supposed to be healing... i am still waiting for that feeling to come today... it will come though... it will...

i am my father's daughter

last night, and i don't know how we got onto this subject, someone asked me if i knew why a woodpecker knocks on trees the way they do... i said "of course i know, i am my father's daughter"... because yes i do know why.. and i can tell you why i know and the circumstances as to how i learned the answer...

and i started to think.. there are many tidbits of seemingly useless knowledge that i have... because of my papa.. there are also specific traits and skills i have because of him... and as i thought about the woodpecker... i realized these things were taught... things i take for granted were lovingly taught to be by my papa...

i know how to fish.. from the casting to the gutting (although i refuse to do the icky stuff.. yes, i do know how)

i know how to build and start a fire

i know how to pitch a tent of all kinds with out the dumb directions

i know how to sit still and listen to nature

i know how to get my bearings and not panic if i am lost (i know this all too well, thanks papa for getting us lost in the first place haha)

i know the practicalities of knowing fractions

i know how to shoot, and i am a good shot

i know how to jump a vehicle

i know how to grease a disc brake and change a tire

i know the lyrics to all the songs in the world that matter

i know how to brush my teeth with a stick

and i know how to pee just about anywhere

yup, i am my father's daughter!

gifts

this is a little statue my cousin gave me to over the thanksgiving holiday.. it was very touching.. especially because sometimes i think people are afraid to bring him up or remind me of him.. and in getting this for me it showed she thought of us.. not just me but us... thank you!

in just a few weeks i will be home with my family... and we will celebrate Christmas without papa...this is an idea that i thought i had gotten used to.. until i began, as most of us are doing now, shopping for gifts... i found myself picking things up to buy for my dad... then being hit.. yet again with the reality that he will not be there (when does this stop happening by the way? i am no longer in denial.. right? so why does this happen? i am really ready for that fresh feeling of pain to stop)... well over the weekend.. i really did buy a gift... i rationalized that i had bought it for my mom.. but once i got it home i had to be honest with myself in that i actually bought it for him... i called my brother... "is it weird to buy and wrap a gift for dad?" "not weird, just really sad"... we decided that he would open the gift... i find myself wondering how many years will we do this before we stop including him entirely?

on the subject of gifts i asked a question today... what was the best gift you were ever given.. and the answer had to be something tangible... we all love our families and appreciate the love we get from friends.. i had a hard time coming up with one... i appreciate everything i receive.. if someone gives you something it means they were thinking of you.. and that is what matters most... but.. in choosing i remembered how my cousin took me for a pedicure last year on my birthday.. it wasn't just my birthday.. it was also the day of my papa's wake... (more on that later)... i was happy to go.. especially because it meant i would spend quality time with one of my most favorite people.. but in getting there and being pampered... i was really able to relax... the massage chair worked out all the knots i didn't know i had been building up.. it was such a release... papa was no longer in pain.. and as much as i ached for him.. i was able to breathe.. to let a little bit of it go and be flushed with the foot bath water.... if you know someone who has lost someone... yes the casseroles and plants are nice.. they are very appreciated... but concider giving the person a neutral place and time to let.. go...

turkey day

truth be told i never liked thanksgiving... i've always thought it was a silly holiday.. we eat.. then we eat some more.. but.. at least we get together with family and i suppose that is what matters... i hadn't spent thanksgiving with my family in quite a while... we would fly out for Christmas or they would come here so it didn't make sense to take two trips a month apart... and that has always been pretty okay with me...

but last year we were blessed to spend one last thanksgiving together.. as a complete family.. last year on this day we were picking up my husband at the airport... i was readying him for what he was going to see..the last time he had seen my dad he looked pretty well.. he was easily tired.. but was walking... and still had a considerable amount of weight on him... what he was going to see is our big strong papa.. in a wheel chair... thin... far from frail.. but needing more help... he was not going to be able to talk with him as he would have in years past... he was going to avoid talking about hunting for fear that it would make papa sad that he was unable to be in his beloved outdoors... also at this point papa wasn't talking a ton.. and the morphine made him less and less lucid..

the day went without incident.. my husband was very optimistic.. until that night when we clung to each other and for the frist time really sobbed.. together... we never lost hope as a family until papa's last day on earth.. but i think that night we both realized that losing him was inevitable... and our new hope was for more time...

what we were given instead of more time.. was a good day... thanksgiving if i remember right was a good day.... there wasn't a ton of pain and papa discovered he could eat mashed potatoes.. which later turned into a couple late night runs to KFC... and i remember him wanting for us to go home... (to my mom's house because we were at my aunts) to have a singing contest... because we were playing rockstar on the wii... we didn't.. but he was well enough to go to my other aunts home for desert... and i believe still feeling entitled to his singing contest... had my aunt play the guitar for him.. he remembered a song he used to sing to my cousin when she was little.. and while i wasn't there for this event.. the story goes that he had her sit in front of him while he sang "i love" by tom t. hall... i mist up every time i hear that story that my cousin bravely told at his funeral.. and it is a bitter sweet blessing that i wasn't there for that... i had worked so hard to be strong for him... to show him i could handle anything.. truth be told.. i could not have handled that...

again..in my papa's way.. he gave us a wonderful thanksgiving to remember... and this thanksgiving... of course we will be thinking of him and missing him... but pssssssst... i'm still stressing about Christmas :)

just a reminder... if you would like to contribute to my blog as a "guest blogger" (and please do, as i am sure there are many wonderful memories that i wasn't present for, or would like to hear from a different point of view).. if you would like to write about my papa, cancer or loss... please email an entry, photo or memory to amberumen@yahoo.com

not the reaction i was hoping for...but maybe the one i needed

here is my papa about to open his traditional gift of Stetson cologne.. that he miraculously ran out of every year around Christmas time!

i had been putting it off.. my mouth would go dry and my palms would get itchy... and i could already hear his voice... i could already see his 6 year old face.. i could already see his little fists balled up in pensive anticipation... because this is the way i picture my brother when i have to say something i don't want to... but the moment came when i just had to say it... "i think we should skip Christmas this year".. about 5 very slow seconds passed before he looked at my mom and asked "is she stupid? are you hearing this?" at which point i begin to make my case... "i don't know if i can handle it this year... it is just going to be too hard.. how about we all go to Disney land instead?".... i was so confident that the Disney land thing would work.. it didn't..."then what?" he asked.. with that same stupid smirk on his face.. full well knowing he had us all where he wanted us..."are we going to cancel birthdays too?"

so... we are NOT skipping Christmas... we are facing it.. whether WE want to or not... so.. i have put my game face on.. i decorated the house early... super early... i have yet to turn on the Christmas music for fear that one of the songs that we sang to him that last Christmas eve will be playing...

i just see him.. so frail.. so sick.. on that last Christmas.. my goodness it was only a few days before he took his last breath... it would be easier to face had he been healthy or were i able to think of him healthy.... we did have beautiful memories... he fought so hard to stay lucid.. to give us a good one...

there was a moment that replays in my mind... my uncle had just put french doors in the kitchen instead of the huge heavy window door... it was finally done and my dad seemed to be gazing in that direction.. my mom asked "what are you thinking about?" (keep in mind that this is a loaded question and while we asked it from time to time i don't think we ever really were ready or an actual answer) my dad answered "about next Christmas"... my mom asked "what about next Christmas?" a whole minute passed....and i can tell you from experience i know what was going through her mind... i knew the answers she thought that were going to come out of his mouth... instead of any of those he said "just thinking about how to decorate the doors" a breathe of relief was heard around the world...this moment reminds me of what he was willing to do for us... the brave face he put on for us...

so.. can i do this for my brother? sure i can... do i hate that he was right all along? sure i do!