ready for a mishmash of feelings and thoughts?
i have been going through those feelings again... when i am driving i see the leaves.. yellows, oranges and reds that are so bright they make my eyes hurt... and i feel sorry for my dad that he can not see them... i watch my friend's children laugh and smile and think my dad will miss out on grandchildren... but i have to work on wiping those feelings out of my mind.. if i truly believe in heaven then i have to believe that my dad is seeing things and experiencing things that are so brilliant there are no human words for them... i have to rationalize that i am missing him.. and what i want is to selfishly have him here to share in these things with me...
i had an eventful day at work and of course i think of calling him... (when he was home after he had to stop working i would call him in the day to tell him about my crazy adorable students)... i called my mom instead... and while i love talking to my mom it just wasn't the same... i wanted to hear my dad's laughter...
a week from today i will be flying home for my cousins's wedding.. i am so happy and excited for her.. but also terrified of what it will feel like to have the family together.. and see that he is missing... there will be an empty chair.. but really there is this huge empty space in me.. in us... and i am so anxious and nervous.. my brother will be in a tuz.. and my dad will not see that... katy and juan.. who my papa loved.. will start their lives together and my papa won't be there... i can't even wrap my mind fully around all that...
there is no lesson learned in this post.. there are no heart warming stories... just how i have been feeling in the past few weeds...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Journal part 1
before my papa passed i kept a written journal.. every entry is a letter to him that was never sent... much of it are things that i did not say to him for fear of scaring or burdening him... here is an entry written one year ago today:
Dear Papa, 10/10/09
my goodness it's been so long since i have written in this journal.. maybe because i have spent much of the last few months home.. with you... now i have been back in michigan for almost a month and i am having another one of those days.. when you are on my mind.. and today i realized something.. that this really is the worst.. my very worst fear... did you know that when i was little i used to hear your truck start for work.. i would wake up and watch you drive away and i would cry... at the time i don't think i understood why.. but today i realized that i was scared that you would not come back...saying goodbye has always been so hard to do with you... even over the phone i choke up when it's time to hang up... and now.. my ultimate fear is being realized.. that i may have to say that last goodbye..
today i miss you so much.. and i want to call you just to hear your voice.. but i am afraid of breaking down and being weak when what you need is for me to be strong.. so today i will avoid calling you.. and today will be the day that i let myself break down,,,
mom told me you were avoiding me too...you don't answer my calls when you are having bad days.. but dad that's not fair.. i hide from so much of it on my won..i can't have you adding to that.. i can't have you allowing me to be an ostrich.. emilio and mom can't hide from it.. they live it everyday... why should i be exempt...
fight dad, please beat this... i need you to beat this...
ana marie
Dear Papa, 10/10/09
my goodness it's been so long since i have written in this journal.. maybe because i have spent much of the last few months home.. with you... now i have been back in michigan for almost a month and i am having another one of those days.. when you are on my mind.. and today i realized something.. that this really is the worst.. my very worst fear... did you know that when i was little i used to hear your truck start for work.. i would wake up and watch you drive away and i would cry... at the time i don't think i understood why.. but today i realized that i was scared that you would not come back...saying goodbye has always been so hard to do with you... even over the phone i choke up when it's time to hang up... and now.. my ultimate fear is being realized.. that i may have to say that last goodbye..
today i miss you so much.. and i want to call you just to hear your voice.. but i am afraid of breaking down and being weak when what you need is for me to be strong.. so today i will avoid calling you.. and today will be the day that i let myself break down,,,
mom told me you were avoiding me too...you don't answer my calls when you are having bad days.. but dad that's not fair.. i hide from so much of it on my won..i can't have you adding to that.. i can't have you allowing me to be an ostrich.. emilio and mom can't hide from it.. they live it everyday... why should i be exempt...
fight dad, please beat this... i need you to beat this...
ana marie
Friday, October 1, 2010
9 months
dear papa,
another month has passed without you... the leaves are changing here, my forget-me-nots are dying... time won't stop... and you won't come back.. but our family needs you more than ever.. i think we second guess ourselves at every move because we are so afraid of leaving you out..
we can't have you here with us but we hang on to every thread of you... what would dad say? what would dad do? what would dad want? ..i know.. we are scared of loosing you any more than we already have... we haven't quite found our footing... sure we move past every day... we wake up.. we get out of bed (sometimes)...we live..and mostly people see us that way.. but inside..we are teetering on this very thin rope.. balancing our pain with responsibilities... which will win out today?
more and more life wins that battle.. little by little we make it across... it's the 1st of the month and i have to go to work.. i have to push you out of my brain for 7 hours... life wins today dad... and i know you would approve
your daughter
another month has passed without you... the leaves are changing here, my forget-me-nots are dying... time won't stop... and you won't come back.. but our family needs you more than ever.. i think we second guess ourselves at every move because we are so afraid of leaving you out..
we can't have you here with us but we hang on to every thread of you... what would dad say? what would dad do? what would dad want? ..i know.. we are scared of loosing you any more than we already have... we haven't quite found our footing... sure we move past every day... we wake up.. we get out of bed (sometimes)...we live..and mostly people see us that way.. but inside..we are teetering on this very thin rope.. balancing our pain with responsibilities... which will win out today?
more and more life wins that battle.. little by little we make it across... it's the 1st of the month and i have to go to work.. i have to push you out of my brain for 7 hours... life wins today dad... and i know you would approve
your daughter
Friday, September 17, 2010
I hadn't blogged in a while so I am making up for lost time :)
also, if you would like to "guest blog" and add a memory or feelings about cancer, my papa, or the grieving process please email me an entry to amberumen@yahoo.com and I will be happy to post it here.. thanks!
There are few things that would cause my papa to lose his patience... very few... even still.. you would hardly know when his limit was reached... if he was trying to wake my brother up in the morning, he just kept telling him to get up... but when he said "ok get up son".. it was sure enough time to get up... another tell tail sign is if he used the word "stupid"... stupid.. didn't mean.. just.. stupid.. it was like his version of cussing... stupid.. was the ultimate straw...
one thing he really did not like was texting… it was stupid… there was nothing worse to him than texting or playing with your phone while “visiting” with him… there was one instance when we were together at a restraint for a cousin’s birthday.. he was not feeling good and was in no small amount of pain.. but he wanted to be there for my cousin… my brother and I didn’t know that he was upset until he had us alone.. he was so disappointed in all of us for texting during the birthday lunch.. “what was the point of coming?” he asked.. no one talked to each other… I feel so bad about that day knowing how much pain he was in and the trouble he went through just to be there… and we were just… stupid…
He didn’t like the idea of texting over calling either…there was no connection in that… doesn’t “I love you” get lost in translation? doesn’t it mean more when you go to the trouble of calling and talking to someone? my brother got me thinking.. (sorry mom you won’t like this)..I flipped him off one day and he said..”you know.. that would mean more if you used your toes or something…if you went to the trouble of learning to flip me off with your toes.. then I would really be offended”… and it applies here… don’t text me “I love you”, “happy birthday”, “thinking of you”… tell me.. talk to me.. connect with me.. show me….
So.. as my papa was in his last hours there was a cousin who pulled his phone out to text… and I stopped him.. and asked him to leave the room…not rudely.. but I wanted to pass on my papa’s lesson…
I think we are learning.. and it still amazes me how much we will continue to learn from him even when he is not here to teach us….
also, if you would like to "guest blog" and add a memory or feelings about cancer, my papa, or the grieving process please email me an entry to amberumen@yahoo.com and I will be happy to post it here.. thanks!
There are few things that would cause my papa to lose his patience... very few... even still.. you would hardly know when his limit was reached... if he was trying to wake my brother up in the morning, he just kept telling him to get up... but when he said "ok get up son".. it was sure enough time to get up... another tell tail sign is if he used the word "stupid"... stupid.. didn't mean.. just.. stupid.. it was like his version of cussing... stupid.. was the ultimate straw...
one thing he really did not like was texting… it was stupid… there was nothing worse to him than texting or playing with your phone while “visiting” with him… there was one instance when we were together at a restraint for a cousin’s birthday.. he was not feeling good and was in no small amount of pain.. but he wanted to be there for my cousin… my brother and I didn’t know that he was upset until he had us alone.. he was so disappointed in all of us for texting during the birthday lunch.. “what was the point of coming?” he asked.. no one talked to each other… I feel so bad about that day knowing how much pain he was in and the trouble he went through just to be there… and we were just… stupid…
He didn’t like the idea of texting over calling either…there was no connection in that… doesn’t “I love you” get lost in translation? doesn’t it mean more when you go to the trouble of calling and talking to someone? my brother got me thinking.. (sorry mom you won’t like this)..I flipped him off one day and he said..”you know.. that would mean more if you used your toes or something…if you went to the trouble of learning to flip me off with your toes.. then I would really be offended”… and it applies here… don’t text me “I love you”, “happy birthday”, “thinking of you”… tell me.. talk to me.. connect with me.. show me….
So.. as my papa was in his last hours there was a cousin who pulled his phone out to text… and I stopped him.. and asked him to leave the room…not rudely.. but I wanted to pass on my papa’s lesson…
I think we are learning.. and it still amazes me how much we will continue to learn from him even when he is not here to teach us….
why fight it?
i think it must have been my brother's birthday (Tuesday) that stirred up all these feelings... and i have made an important discovery about the grieving process... simply put...you can not hide...it will find you...
i worked at staying strong.. i noticed that even when i was alone i was pushing away the painful things.... the things i don't like to remember... but like i said.. it found me
my brain betrayed me... thursday morning's dreams were a constant cycle dreaming about him, like snippets of memories... then (still dreaming) realizing it is just a dream...i cried in my dreams knowing that when i woke up i would not be seeing him... i woke up crying and kept it up most of the day... doesn't help that it rained all day... i just couldn't shake that feeling of the disappointment of waking up to a reality in which he no longer exists.. i was so safe in my dreams.. in his arms..
recently i reconnected with a friend who lost her dad to this monster when she was a teen... many years later she still hurts... so i need to stop acting as if there is a light at the end of this tunnel... this pain is forever... all i.. all we.. can do is live with it... move forward... and quit fighting the grief... because it will find you...
i worked at staying strong.. i noticed that even when i was alone i was pushing away the painful things.... the things i don't like to remember... but like i said.. it found me
my brain betrayed me... thursday morning's dreams were a constant cycle dreaming about him, like snippets of memories... then (still dreaming) realizing it is just a dream...i cried in my dreams knowing that when i woke up i would not be seeing him... i woke up crying and kept it up most of the day... doesn't help that it rained all day... i just couldn't shake that feeling of the disappointment of waking up to a reality in which he no longer exists.. i was so safe in my dreams.. in his arms..
recently i reconnected with a friend who lost her dad to this monster when she was a teen... many years later she still hurts... so i need to stop acting as if there is a light at the end of this tunnel... this pain is forever... all i.. all we.. can do is live with it... move forward... and quit fighting the grief... because it will find you...
Monday, September 6, 2010
Stand Up 2 Cancer
StandUp2Cancer telethon airs Friday...if you would like to make a donation in my Papa's honor, or in honor of any fighting or fallen loved love affected by this monster we call cancer, please follow this link
please feel free to forward this link too!!!
https://www.standup2cancer.org/?c=donate&su2ccs=PRUPTO2009-8372
please feel free to forward this link too!!!
https://www.standup2cancer.org/?c=donate&su2ccs=PRUPTO2009-8372
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
8 months
dear papa,
today marks 8 months that you have been gone...there is a child's voice within me saying "come back now"... the rational adult in me won't let her talk.... i have been suppressing that child who wants so much just to sit on your feet while you read magazines at Walden Books..... i keep her from reminding me what your stubbled face felt like on her lips when she kissed you goodnight... i keep her from crying... from remembering... from hurting... but today.. she's won... today she is free to feel.. even if it is pain....
i miss you papa.. i miss you no less today than i did 8 months ago... i think i began to miss you sooner than that... it's funny... i think the sicker you became.the more i needed you... and now that you are gone.. have been gone.. i need you even more...
i know that you would not want me to feel this..i know if you were able to see me now you would feel helpless... know that i am okay.. for the most part. i am getting by.. i am living and loving life.. i take your memory with me.. and i trudge on...
but today... today i am just that little girl.. and she needs her daddy....
always,
ana marie
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