it has been too long.. UPDATE

i just realized how long it has been since i last wrote on this here blog..it has been too long.. in my last entry and letter to my daddy, i expressed how the less and less i am on here the more healed i feel..let this post be a testament to how one never heals from loss...we simply learn to live with it.. adapt and move forward..

time is flying by these days.. i come home mentally and emotionally exhausted from work to a puppy needing loads of attention and exercise..i lay down to sleep being the most tired i have ever felt in my life.. and i love it..oh that's right.. we got a dog.. every time i find him doing something he isn't supposed to i laugh and think of my dad..

we got a dog when i was younger.. a hyper out of control cocker spaniel.. he never was house trained and ended up being a back yard nuisance instead of a pet.. and like many times when parents get their kids a dog simply because the kid wanted a dog.. cuddles, the dog, became my dad's chore.. he bathed him and fed him..we did cuddles wrong.. i know that now..there was not much forethought before we got him..there was no basic obedience training.. there was just an amazing daddy trying to make his little girl happy..

our second dog found us.. or i should say found my brother..he was a stray that claimed my brother and our front yard..he did not have tags but was well behaved..unfortunately he did not get along with cuddles and one of them had to go.. at this point i was moved out of the house and it kills me to admit cuddles was already a distant memory.. he obviously had some arthritis and it was apparent in his old age he was losing his sight and hearing.. so tommy was "adopted"..tommy was a good dog but eventually ran away.. maybe to claim some other little boy somewhere...

when my dad was sick and i had gone home to arizona to be with him for his last months i half joked about getting a dog for the family.. i say half joked because i knew he wouldn't go for the idea but i really did think and still think that the house needed a dog...my prompts were met with a mix of anger and exhaustion.. this man was not going to be responsible for another dog and that was final!

but i got one over on him.. i finally got my dog..but i did it right..it was thought about long and hard.. and i was prepared to give him the attention he needed.. i was prepared to train him and create a gentle companion.. so at 7 months old we still have a long way to go.. but i think my dad would love him! and would be relieved that he didn't have to take care of him.. his daughter is finally responsible!

the dog has had another affect on my healing process as well..other than the exhaustion he causes (helping me not to dwell).. he also forces me out.. into the woods.. into nature..where i feel closest to my dad.. we walk for hours.. sometimes we stop and sit in the stillness of it all..and i hear him.. i hear his voice in the wind blowing through the trees.. i hear him in the chattering of squirrels and the soft footfall of deer.. my dad is out there.. and on days that we are not at the dog part.. so am i

i only had the time to write this entry as my 4 legged little guy naps before our sunday hike..soon we will be out there.. looking for my papa!

2 years and one day

dear papa,

yesterday marked 2 years since you have been gone... and guess what.. we made it once again in tact.. of course the whole day and day before i was entirely conscious of what day it was.. and of course i missed you just as i always have.. but the pain was absent.. the emptiness in my stomach.. the feeling of the ground being pulled out from under me.. wasn't there.. just the realization that we made it two years.. then there was hope...

the first year you were gone felt like a walking nightmare.. my head and heart just couldn't move forward.. i felt stuck.. it was a really hard year to say the least..

the second year felt.. for lack of a better word.. different.. you were missed for all 365 days.. but we all woke up from the nightmare and began to live again...albeit with some difficulty but no where near like it was the first year...

now we are beginning our 3rd year.. and i feel hopeful..i know that this year i will begin a real career.. mom will find some kind of fulfillment.. my brother will embrace responsibility and adulthood.. i feel this will all happen because our grief will not hold us back this year.. and this is what you would have wanted.. the best for us..

in everything i do you are with me.. every moment of my day i think of you.. every holiday or quiet time.. you are missed.. that will never change dad.. but know that your family is okay.. feel free to look down on us now.. we are ready!

your daughter

christmas 2011

how many of you remember my dad during his one really fat year? out of no where he got super fat.. then the next year it was gone...some men buy sports cars or get hair plugs in a midlife crisis..my dad ate.. apparently..anyway..this photo is from that christmas...as for me. well.. footie pajamas don't do any one much justice..haha...

so this is christmas.. our second without my papa.. i never thought we would get here..there is evidence of healing in all of us..i see it mostly in the way we have been able to remember and celebrate without too much pain.. he is missed.. and thought of daily. hourly really.. but without that ever present lump in the back of the chest.. well..for the most part..it is an amazement that we as humans are able to over come what felt like the end of our world.. and we do so.. for him..

this year we celebrated christmas a day early.. so last night..the 23rd was our christmas eve.. and as i write this i am waiting for famiy to arrive to begin our christmas day..some people are bucking this slight change.. but i am loving it.. it is extending christmas a whole day!

some events of note have taken place since i last updated.. my brother was in a car accident.. his first.. and for a while we thought his truck.. my dad's truck.. would be deemed :totalled:..thank God it was not.. and we got it back this week! my brother asked a few days after the accident what i thought dad would say.. well.. my dad was patient.. and a man of few words.. and the accident wasn't his fault.. and was in truth.. an accident.. i am not sure my dad would have had any words of wisdom to say at all... maybe a tisk or two at the state of the truck.. but that's it..

we do that a lot.. my family.. we wonder and day dream of what it would be like to have him here.. what he would say..what he would do.. even in the middle of some pretty vulgar toilet humor.. of which i am quite partial to..we laugh harder knowing he would laugh...

have a wonderful holiday readers! use christmas..not as a gift giving tinsel ladden day.. and not even as a commemeration in a religious sense.. just be with those you love.. and love a little harder..in honor of my daddy!

life getting in the way..it's a good thing

i have neglected so much lately... sleep...health...a social life.. this blog...most of my house responsibilities..and so much more.. and for what? i can't think of what it was that had me so occupied.. i did start a new job.. the shift in my natural sleep all day schedule really threw me for a loop.. but really my neglect had to do with life getting in the way.. and that's a good thing.. i don't want to dwell on my ongoing grief to the point where i need to unload on this blog on a daily basis.. and i like the informational sprinkled narrative that it has become... that is not to say that i am not entitled to break downs.. and that those break downs will not become public at some point.. life includes grief.. the emptiness is still there.. i don't suppose that will ever go away.. i can' live with that.. but i appreciate the pain coming in shorter waves and spaced in such a way that i can live the life my papa would have relished in watching me/us live...

fall has brought so much to attention.. the dying leaves look so beautiful just before they fall.. they become mulch for the grass growing below.. it is a grand display of the circle that is life.. i really did not mean to make that sound so sappily poetic.. really i didn't...but it does bring to mind the beauty behind death...it's hidden but it's there.. because if we don't let death bring us to the depths.. we become more beautiful.. if we chose to learn and grow from the pain we can nourish everything we fall upon like the leaves on the grass... ok now i am just making myself sick..blah blah blah...

so this past week marked dia de los muertos... we have never had that type of mexican culture where we would have celebrated in this.. i think it had much to do with us not being catholic as well.. but it is a wonderful thing to see and take part in..if you never have.. i don't make alters.. but i do bake.. and paint.. and fold flowers every year... i like the idea of it.. the symbolism of it.. the celebratory part of it.. if you are not familiar with day of the dead do yourself a favor and learn about it.. it is not the Americanized "mexican halloween" the craft stores tote it to be.. it is a celebration of those who have passed.. it celebrated the sweetness of life and it's brevity... i find a lot of comfort in ceremony and symbolism... maybe because i live so far from my family and miss out on the daily ceremony of family life..that i feel the need to hold onto what is around me and familiar..anyway it's not something i have thought about too consciously...

my aunt called me the other day to ask some advice (i am an autism whisperer of sorts)...anyway.. toward the end of the conversation she made mention of my papa and compared me to him... it was so nice to hear and while she may not have known it..it was something i needed to hear that day.. it wasn't a hard day..i was just feeling a bit far.. a bit lost.. patient a wise is what she called me.. and i can only hope to have half of what my dad had..

so it has been quite a few weeks... and much like every other day in the life of this papa's girl... my dad was entwined in it all...

Cancer Groups- a special message

i was recently contacted by a man who asked to post a message on this blog to get the word out on some information he felt was important.. because all of my past guest bloggers have been family.. i will be honest in saying i put this poor guy through the ringer because i would never endorse certain information.. i finally got around to reading this guest post and some of his personal blog.. and i feel confident in sharing whatever he wants to send out to you all.. he has nothing but postive things to share and this particular message is about fellowship and support via groups...

fyi.. if you would like to guest blog..about cancer and/or loss.. please email me at amberumen@yahoo.com

David Haas is a cancer patient advocate and his blog can be found at haasblaag.blogspot.com/

Have you just found out you have cancer? You may know someone who has survived. Are you in cancer remission? You may be going through chemotherapy or radiation treatment. If any of these things are true in your life, you may feel as though nobody can relate to what you are going to. If you become involved with a cancer survivor group you will have the chance to talk with or write to someone who has been through the same things as you. You can learn how to best treat your disease and get advice from those who have been there, who can teach you how to best fight the negative side effects you may be experiencing.

There are a variety of cancer survivor networks available. The Cancer Hope Network is one such network. Through them you can be matched with someone who has been through cancer treatment, who may be going through something similar to you. This group can match you with people who have gone through anything from a common cancer like breast cancer to a very rare cancer like mesothelioma. You can receive emotional support and encouragement online or over the phone. Actual cancer survivors will tell the stories, will tell you it is possible to live a full live despite having cancer. You will not be talking with someone who is a professional therapist, but with someone who knows just what you are going through.

There is also support provided for caregivers and links to different agencies that might be able to give advice on treatments.

The Cancer Information Network provides links to a variety of support helps to cancer victims, including a letter from a survivor of lung cancer, a link to the Cancer Hope Network, and links to other agencies that provide support. There are also links to sites that give information on treatment, legal issues, financial resources to those with cancer, and support resources for caregivers.

There are numerous other support agencies, including US & Too for those with prostrate cancer at ustoo.com, with links to many support groups, information about the disease, and more.

The American Brain Tumor Organization lists support groups, provides inspiring stories, advice on how to manage fatigue, rehabilitative medicine, speech pathology services, and many other resources.

While having cancer can be devastating, there is help available.

By: David Haas

MIA

this was my brother's birthday cake.. my cousin decided on the picture of him in the bathtub.. no worries..he is hard to embarrass.. and bonus.. the cake was yummy!

so it's been a while since i posted.. a day before his 18th birthday.. a day before i flew out to AZ and surprised him.. not only is he hard to embarrass..he is also hard to surprise... well ok.. he was surprised.. but the reaction was more like "hey what are you doing here?" and not AHHHHH!!! combined with jumping up and down.. and good thing too.. because he is a big guy now.. and i could likely be hurt in the jumping up and down process.. either way i missed him and my family and this trip was exactly what i... or we... needed..

we had a small get together for his day.. my mom hired mariachis and some friends and family came to wish him well.. i have gotten past coming to my mom's house and not seeing my dad there.. i don't look for him anymore.. but as the mariachis sang Un Dia La Ves.. (one day at a time).. my eyes welled up and i frantically looked around.. and expected to see him in one of the patio chairs.. or at the grill.. there was that fresh pain all over again.. the one i pray God eases..memories i gladly accept.. sadness i will take in stride.. but this pain.. this ache in my rib cage and nausea in the deepest pit of me is what i call fresh pain... because that is what i felt when the C word was first used.. that is what i felt again after every dr visit.. that is what i felt on the morning he did not get out of bed and that is what i feel when the ice cold water bucket full of shock is thrown in my face every time i forget he is gone... i am still great.. fantastic even at hiding this pain... i sang and danced to every song the mariachis sang.. when my aunt (during un dia la ves) asked why i wasn't singing.. i calmly leaned over and said "because i'm crying".. instead of crawling into the fetal position at her feet..that was the only down part of the trip.. for the most part we faced this milestone with grace.. and it's never as hard as we expect it to be

after i got home from HOME i lagged.. as i always do.. in unpacking and re-acclimating.. i always allow myself one day to wallow and feel the homesickness.. i had a few job interviews.. in fact..the week before last i was offered a job... so i have a job... well.. technically.. because HR has been just peachy and has left me hanging... it's all good in my hood though.. because this is giving me plenty of time to weigh my priorities and examine myself.. this is not a teaching job but is within the school system and i have had to work out and work on my feelings of bitterness and inadequacy.. i can not go into this job feeling short changed.. it would not be fair to the students i will be working with.. so HR's mishaps are a blessing really... and i has given time to see it that way... in all this mess i have been broken and built up over and over.. i have cried and screamed and let out all kinds of rage i didn't know i had been suppressing.. and you know what? nothing changed..the world didn't bend toward my needs.. and there is a lesson in there too..

and that is what i have been doing since i got home.. examining the things that happen to me and around me.. understanding the lessons it all has to teach me.. what i have learned is this: 1. i need a master's degree and i am seriously considering social work so that i can consult as well as teach... 2. every day is precious time lost with the people i care about the most and i NEED to get home or close to home for good...3. the miles stones we have yet to reach without dad will no doubt be tough.. but we will get through them like we always do..

another milestone

my brother turns 18 tomorrow... and here we are.. another milestone that our dad will not be here for...he got his licence and his first job within this year.. and now.. the big 18..of course that thought leads to everything else he will not be here for.. his graduation.. wedding.. but.. i didn't want this post to be a sad one...

when our dad's dad died i asked him what kind of father he was and if he was any kind of role model for the kind of dad our papa wanted to be.. he said that his dad was more of a provider than a teacher.. and that he wanted to be both.. then he laughed and said.. "heck..if your brother makes it to 18 i will be happy"..and i think.. well.. you did it dad.. you did your job.. and more.. because he may not be there physically tomorrow.. but his legacy will be present in the form of my brother..when i see the man he is becoming i see my dad.. i see everything he instilled in him..i mean..ok..my brother is far from the man he will someday be.. but i see glimmers and hints.. and i don't worry about him the way i would have before.. i see his potential and i see his heart.. and both are beautiful..

so what now brother bear? what's so big about 18? well here is a list of things you can do after tomorrow:

Buy tobacco

Change your name

Get a tattoo

Get a piercing

Work more hours

Sue someone /Be sued

Purchase liquid white out

Pawn something

Get married/Get divorced

Adopt a child

Be on Jerry Springer

Buy a lottery ticket

Get a hotel room

Call some "900" numbers

Go to a night club

Get a Sam's club/Costco membership

Skydive

Sign legal documents

Gamble

Get a loan

Buy insurance

Donate blood

Enlist in the military

Be convicted as an adult

Become a stripper

Vote

Obtain a credit card

Buy a monkey (w/ a license)

ok.. i didn't say you should do these things... but i totally support the monkey thing!