journal part 4

when papa bought this jeep it was the ugliest bright orange monstrosity i'd ever seen... but it was loud and maybe that's all that mattered... in a matter of months it was so pretty.. cream paint.. heavy duty tow bar and back hitch... it even had these switches where a radio might go that turned on lights and fans.. i am sure they had a bigger purpose but i just enjoyed pretending to be in a space ship.. i was probably much to old to be playing make believe with that thing.. but it was fun none the less.. the seats perpetually smalled of dust and dirt from so much off roading... it smelled amazing.. like the desert

this photo is of my mom, dad and brother bear at the river bottom.. picture perfect day don't you think?

that jeep...we had so much fun on that thing... not just the trips and death defying maneuvers but there were little things i remember.. when the far off clouds looked just a smidgen darker than the ones over head my dad would invite us for a ride... to go look for rain... some nights he'd pile us girl cousins into it and drive to an abandoned burned up house on van buren ave. and tell us ghost stories...

dad had taken a photo of it and framed it.. a photo of just the jeep.. that still makes me giggle... anyway... april 2009 was also the month when he sold it... we were dealing with so much with the progression that the cancer had taken... the selling of the jeep affected me and it became the topic of the 3rd letter in my journal.. the selling of this jeep lead to the most vivid real dream i have ever had of my tata (maternal grandfather).. i will go on any record in saying that it was more than a dream.. losing my tata so many years ago was such a shock to my young mind and affected me in ways that i am only now understanding though the loss of my dad...this was more than a dream.. it was a message, a visitation if you believe in that kind of thing...

april 26, 2009

dad,

you sold the jeep to mark (my cousin) yesterday. i was so sad. i remember the day you brought it home. it was the brightest color orange i had ever seen. i remember when i was standing behind it and it back fired on my inner thigh. i was crying and you put a cold soda on my leg. did you know i still have black bits embedded in my thigh from that day?

last night i couldn't quiet my mind. the memories just kept flooding in. the worst part is all this made me realize that one day you will only been in my memories as well. it breaks my heart to know that i will only see you in pictures and will never get to hug your flesh and bone again. when i finally did fall asleep i did not deem of you. i dreamed of tata. it was so real dad. i could smell him. it was so clear and vivid that it left me with so many emotions today.

in the dream emilio (my brother) and i are sleeping in the living room of the old house in tolleson. emilio is on the sofa, which mom would hate, and i am on the recliner chair. tata is sitting on the coffee table and he is watching emilio sleep. he shakes his head as if to indicate that he can't believe how much he has grown (my tata passed when my brother was very young and at the point in this dream he is 15 years old and very very tall). he sees that i see him and he motions me to him, i hug him and i feel the rough cotton of his brown flannel shirt against my cheek. i breathe in the oil on his hair and the cigarette smoke in the fibers of his shirt and i cry, and cry. i tell him i don't want to lose you. i say that i don't ever want to miss you the way that i miss him. he takes my face in his hands and starts to say something and i can't hear him. i tell him i can't hear him and he just shakes his head and looks away but there are tears in his eyes. and then i wake up. when i woke up my pillow and face were wet. i was crying in my sleep.

i tried to fall back to sleep and i succeeded but every dream i had after that was of you.

i know why i dreamed of you and tata. i am angry at you dad. i am angry that you sold the jeep. i understand why you sold it. you weren't using it and it does deserve to be used but right now, at this point, it feels too much like you are tying up loose ends and i am not ready for that.

i practice this conversation in my head sometimes. in this conversation i say that it is okay to give up the fight, it is okay to stop the chemo. i tell you that i would rather you feel good for the time you have left on this earth. i wondered if practicing this conversation meant that i was getting stronger in my understanding of all this. i wondered if maybe i was ready to let you go. but that is not what it means at all. what it means is that i am scared to see you sick. that i don't want to see my big strong dad sick and fragile. but is our need to see you strong causing you to ignore your body? could we push you to go too far with treatments simply by needing you?

i will see you in 6 days dad. i can't wait but i would be lying to say that i wasn't scared. i am more than that dad, i am terrified!

it's funny.. just after my dad passed i had to come back to michigan and back to school.. my last semester in school had started and my last class was a writing class... the instructor would give us an off topic to write about.. like our favorite place to play as a child...i thought i had written about my mom and dad's closet but when i read it over i realized it was about the smell of leather.. boots and belts and morphed into a piece about my dad and the way smell is ingrained in us from birth and that in Heaven i will know him by smell... i bring this class up because i think that is what happened here.. i began to write the letter in regards to him selling the jeep but that lead to my admittance of fear.. and what i was really afraid of... i understood death was a natural part of life.. i never asked "why him"... but i was so afraid of feeling that loss again.. that longing i still have for my tata... and the fear of seeing the man i needed most.. helpless... then ultimately questioning the concept of "fight" in terms of cancer...

anyway.. there are 2 more entries that i plan to share.. one on the 31st and the last on memorial day.. i haven't read them since i wrote them so i am a bit apprehensive to see what other realizations i have yet to unleash..

journal part 3

yesterday my husband and i went to see the latest disney earth day release called african cats... over the past 3 installments it has become a tradition that we see these documentaries opening weekend... the theater was almost empty so i didn't hide my dorky "oooohs" and "aaahhhhs" at some of the cooler moments.. like the high speed camera usage during the cheetah chase scenes or the cute yawns of the lion cubs.... the plan was after the early movie i would put a roast in the crock pot and he would go out hunting.. instead we were attached at the hip for most of the day.. he even stood next to me while i did dishes.... then just before dinner was ready the conversation started.. i don't know who started it...but we talked about dad... he wanted me to recount his last night (as he was unable to be there at the bedside but came a few days later)... who was there? what did you do? how did you feel?..."do you miss him:?" i asked.. "of course" he answered and i understood our clingy-ness after the movie.. that was their thing... dad and my husband.. they would call each other after knowing one had gone hunting.. they would talk on the phone till the batteries ran out of one of their cell phones.. sometimes dad would call and after a quick hello would tell me to give my husband the phone..i would jokingly throw a hissy fit but i loved it... he was missing dad after watching the movie.. i was too... i grew up on religious taping of marty stouffer's wild america and nature on pbs... watching any nature show ultimately makes me think of dad... apparently it had the same effect on my husband as well.. so while it was easter and i have many easter memories of my dad, mostly seeing him at the grill... what brought him to mind this time was what he loved most.. nature... happy earth day indeed!

so this is the journal entry i promised in the last post... it was written on april 23rd.. it was the second entry in the journal that i am now trying to reclaim.. i was avoiding him.. i checked in with my mom or cousin for updates.. but i hadn't spoken to him an a while... dialing the phone sent me into a panic... and i would sob uncontrollability... i spent many hours of the days curled up and my poor husband didn't know what to do for me.. it's a helpless feeling that sends me into panic mode..there was nothing the doctors could do.. nothing he could do.. nothing i could do...

April 23, 2009

Dad,

i haven't talked to you since the day we got that last bit of bad news. i am just not strong enough yet. i don't want to bring you down with my crying and negativity, but at the same time i just want to hear your voice. even if it is just to talk about the weather, like most of our conversations end up. i hate being so far away from you but i think me being here has forced us to talk in ways we never have before. when i am home we are perfectly content to be in the same room together. although i have always taken comfort in our ability to just be with each other and not rely on idle conversation.

(my husband) and i are at each other's throats lately. we are both dealing with the guilt of being so far. and as much as i hate to say it out loud i have wondered if it was worth it. if he was worth leaving my family, leaving you. i love him so much but i am losing you, not him. but here i am stupidly writing a letter that will never be sent. i can not even find the bravery to pick up the phone and talk to you. i really am trying to find strength. and do you know what helped today, of all things? i talked to (my brother) today. i called to check on him, to say i am here for him, but instead he ended up comforting me. he is becoming such a young man. he is stoic and logical like you. i never want you to worry about him dad. i have loved that kid more than my own life since he was born. i could promise that i will always take care of him, but i think it is more realistic to say we will end up taking care of each-other.

good night dad, i love you... oh and it was warm today.. about 60 degrees

journal part 2

this is my daddy TWO DAYS after his nephrectomy surgery (kidney removal) my husband wasn't able to be there for the surgery but came two days later... my dad insisted we take him out to the desert for a walk (this was the kind of time he enjoyed spending with my husband) ... he wasn't able to walk but sat in his chair, in his pj pants and watched us and the wild animals frolic... it is such a precious memory of my papa's strength and devotion to his kids... he would have truly done anything for us... if strong will and love for family could keep someone alive he would surely still be with us

my husband bought me a journal for one of our anniversaries...i loved it.. i carried it around everywhere just in case the need to write should arise.. i wrote very small to keep from using too many pages.... there is something about a journal that makes you feel important.. the thoughts that are in my head are so important and life changing that i must write them down.. least they do not fulfill their purpose of changing the world.. right? if you write then you know what i am saying.. we write because we secretly hope that after we are long gone someone will find our life altering words hidden away and a new course of history will be attributed to us.... so this journal (leather bound and studded) had it's pages ripped out in april... i burned everything i had written in it prior to the day in april when it became UNSENT letters to my papa.. there are only 7 letters starting in april 2009 and a final one in march 2011 just before i started this blog... (october's letter is written under "journal part 1")..there are not many entries i think because so much wasn't being acknowledged.. my honesty about fear was there but i think i was too scared to write sometimes.. to scared that ink on paper would make it too real... so today starts the april letter series in my attempt to get my journal back.. to once again use it for trite coffee house musings and poorly written poetry... in effort to come full circle in a way.. and as always to honor my daddy...

in april 2009 my dad had been formally diagnosed.. he had already had his kidney and mother tumor removed.. at this point the pathology report came back with bleak news...there would be no cure.. only treatments that were unlikely to work.. up until this point death was not an option.. it was as simple as removing the kidney... we all thought that would be the end of this... our hope was that the nodes visible in his lungs would go away after the main tumor was gone... that obviously did not happen...

for newer readers- understand that i did not live, nor do i currently life, in the same state as my family... much travelling was done..and phone calls.. but i also had the advantage of being able to hide from this every once and while... while i also had the disadvantage of being alone in this...

april 2009

Dad,

i cut out all of the pages in my journal. i can't help but feel like nothing else really mattered before this. i haven't been able to fall asleep without distractions, otherwise i am bound to cry all night. i just can't believe it, but at the same time my all too logical mind won't let me believe in miracles. you are dying. i say it over and over again. my dad is dying. and when i am not thinking about it i feel guilty for allowing myself to be so easily distracted (by tv or music). and when i begin to feel guilty everything comes our into a fight of some sort. i have lost so much precious time with you, i have lost 6 years of making memories. how was i to know the end would come so quickly? how many birthday's have i missed? your bithday is next month and all i can can think is please God don't let it be your last.

i ended that first entry abruptly.. and i can still so vividly remember what i was thinking.. "just stop ana marie" .. just stop..s top crying.. stop being a baby.. stop being negative.. stop being so weak! i struggled with the way i was feeling.. i struggled to allow myself to feel it... in the end.. i stopped... and i kept stopping.. like i said.. today is the first of the april journal entries.. so expect another on the 23rd, 26th and 31st... i expect this will be quite an emotional month...

going forward

going forward is NOT getting over it.. is NOT forgetting.. is NOT giving up... is NOT "moving on"... going forward is simply putting one foot in front of another... is the act of getting and staying out of bed (sometimes)... is completing the seemingly menial tasks of the day... all this.. in spite of grief....

i don't know the exact quote... and i saw it on a movie of all places but it goes something like "what is tomorrow, but a yesterday that you thought you couldn't face?" how true is that?

daily, when dealing with grief, we struggle with the idea of tomorrow.. can i do it all over again tomorrow? or simply.. i just can't do this anymore! but we do... and each day is a step, going forward...

in effort of my own "forwardness" i have applied to volunteer with hospice of Michigan... i would love to work in community outreach or with grief support and with my degree in education i think i'd be better apt to work with kids... (my brother had a terrible experience with grief counseling, so much so that he has always refused help.. i'd like to change that for at least one kid) however.. i will do whatever is needed of me... i chose to take this step forward in effort to get out of my own grief and also maybe, possibly... lead someone else .. forward.. so fingers, toes and eyes crossed... Lord let me be put where you want me!

so.. after i sent away my application (and because i can see now!!!! thanks to God and my wonderful new doctors who finally fit me with specialty contacts!) ... i have been able to pick up a book again and my random choice is a memoir of a recent widow as she finds her new place in the world without her husband.. and it got me thinking.. as words on a page normally do to one so obsessed with words...i understand what it is like to lose a dad... although i only KNOW what it is like to be me and lose MY dad... has anyone ever said "oh i know how you feel"? well they don't... not really.. because they don't have your experiences.. so as much as i know my own pain from my loss.. i have no earthly idea what it is like to lose a spouse.. a partner.. someone who you handed your children to.. someone you looked across the table at every day with love and disdain.. someone you trusted to be with you in your old age.. someone you planned with, slept with, fought with.. i don't know what it is like to lose that... that being said i also have no experience losing a child or sibling... is loss so universal that i or anyone can "help" another person with their grief? maybe it is just a matter of assuring them.. they can move forward...

brother bear

"Every time that I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face gettin' clearer,

the past is gone It went by like dusk to dawn,

Isn't that the way? Everybody's got their dues in life to pay"

grief does this horrible thing to us.. it separates us..intentions are there but we forget sometimes...what our own loss means to someone else.. our loss becomes our own.. MY loss, MY needs.. MY pain.. MY sorrow... and inside of our grief we become frustrated at others for not understanding us, helping us, saving us...all that we can fathom is how we are feeling...

meanwhile there is someone left twisting in the breeze.. someone whose shoulders may look big and strong but are already holding so much...someone we will never help or console if there is that little voice inside that asks "what about me?"

when my dad was coming out of surgery.. i was the first to see him.. he motioned for me to come closer.. and i thought there would be a touching moment between father and daughter but instead he asked "how is your brother?"..half jokingly i said "hey, what about me?"... much later when his hospital bed was delivered i was sent to pick up my brother from school.. my dad asked me to tell him about it.. to ready him to see it... even later my most vivid memories are watching him put on the strongest face when my brother was in the room... something as simple as holding the phone in his shaky arm, all but refusing my brother's help in holding it to his ear...

i think there was a lesson in all that.. i think he understood something we didn't... my dad had already understood my strength...understood what i could handle... and what he saw in my brother.. was not a child.. wasn't just a son.. certainly wasn't the favorite (haha) but in him, he saw the one of us three that would need the most understanding and patience in all of this..

i am reminded of my dad's nightly prayers for God to give his family strength and comfort.. and God does that for us daily.. the fact that we wake up and get out of bed daily is a testament to that... but if we want to.. if we step outside of ourselves we can give those things to each other as well..

and sure my heart aches.. i am missing my protector, my source of strength... but what is the cost of my loss to someone else... because my brother lost his one true ally.. lost the only person in this world who didn't expect anything of him.. he lost his best friend.. and we fail him daily don't we? by allowing the space that my dad left to be unfilled.. by continuing to ask "what about me?"

Guest Blogger: My Mom

Right, is a photo of my dad on his and my mom's hike into the Grand Canyon years ago

bellow is a photo of him and I enjoying the scenery on another trip to the canyon

my mom took a recent hike into and then out of the Grand Canyon.. if you have never been there, you can not even imagine the beauty of it.. it's vastness alone assures you that God is real... I asked my mom to guest blog about her experience hiking the canyon for the second time (her first was with my dad), i knew that he would be heavy on the minds of all who went..

when she was first asked to go she shared with me that she didn't want to do it without my dad... i thought this was something that she needed to do, should do... not only would it show that she was able to do it without him physically but it would also show that, though it's hard, we can move forward without him (for now)... what better euphemism for life, than to climb out of the canyon?

as a family we have taken trips to the canyon.. most every time we did i puked at some point.. but i can still feel the importance of being there.. of looking out and just being still.. taking it all in... that was important to my dad.. just take it all in.. experience it... trying to tune out my mom exclaiming "how beautiful!" "wow!" :)

i love this photo of my mom hiking because we found it as we were going through old photos, dad was already on hospice but still ornery as ever and kept saying "look at those legs".. it was too cute!

so without further ado.. i give you my mom in all her snarky humor and exclamations... haha.. when i read it i could hear her voice because.. much like i do.. she writes how she speaks... and we both tend to play fast and loose with punctuation! she also called to warn me of the somewhat risqué parts... nothing i haven't heard before mom!

My first major adventure without my BABYCAKES

Hiking to the bottom of the great Grand Canyon

This trip had been planned by my niece and sister for at least 6 months. One of the girls that was supposed to go with them cancelled out about 2 week prior to leaving. It was to be a hike w/ a two night camping stay at the bottom. At first I hesitated, only because I had no desire to adventure without Robert. I almost felt that I had no business going without him, I also knew that it was going to be very difficult not only because of my weight & lack of exercise but because this was “our thing” to do. I knew exactly what he would marvel at, look for and his reaction to how we packed our backpacks or carried our water. I knew that I would hear his voice in the wind……. ANYWAY, after giving it some thought and constant encouragement from my sister and niece…….. I decided to go. (and I’m glad I did).

We started out on Wednesday night, after church…… (I knew I/we needed a lot of prayer). My thought s were of my honey, just thinking about him, and how he knew just how much I loved the canyon. At any opportunity or any occasion, he’d take me up there. It is beautiful. BUT, I was going to be there without him. What was worse, was that we’d never share the canyon, again…. Or, the motel….. Who doesn’t like to share motel with their loved one…… It was always a honeymoon; even you didn’t like each other. (another story).

The plan was that we’d get an early start, (that was a joke)…. It didn’t matter, except, had Robert been with us, we would have had an early start… we lollygagged in Flagstaff, shopped for stuff we had forgotten; toiletries, snackies, sun screen, snickers, oh, and a diet Pepsi…… We got to the trail we were going to take (south Kaibab) @ 10:00. We were surprised to see so much snow on the trail. So we proceeded with our hike. OH HOW BEAUTIFUL and slippery. I remember looking up at the canyon and looking for the spot or spots that Robert, our baby girl and I would stand, sit and just stare down at the beauty with appreciation for our wonderful creation. I can’t say that Robert ever left my thoughts, although much of the scenery was blurred with tears. How beautiful it was and how I wish my Robert was there with us…….After 5 grueling hrs into our hike, my legs started feeling weak. I knew something wasn’t right. The conditions worsened. At about a mile from our campsite, I thought was going to die…. The girls didn’t know how bad I was (or they didn’t care). We kept going but I felt I was crawling. (this wouldn’t have happened if Robert would have been with us). When I made it to camp, I (so dramatically) dropped my backpack (he would have been carrying mine) plopped myself down….. and it all came up and out….. I was so sick and couldn’t stop shaking…. My niece and her friend put up the tent so that I could get in it (probably to hide me from everyone). I got in the tent and I just remember feeling a relief that just maybe I was going to be with Robert sooner than I had thought. ( I was sick). I guess it was dehydration….. BAD. Actually, I wanted to die, but then I thought about my babies. How selfish of me, I then started to pray and pray for God to please help me get better. My sister (I couldn’t believe this), nursed me all night, making sure I drank water and the slightest move or moan, she’d ask me if I was ok or better. THANK GOD, morning came and I was feeling in better. I got out of the tent and went to wash up (Robert and I would give each other sponge baths)… I walked away, and laid on the bench of a picnic table to pray, and to soak in the beautiful morning rays, thinking about my Robert. I so miss our intimate moments. We had many, many fun times alone. My mind went crazy thinking of his sayings or asking “Do You Want To HUH-HUH” or sing “I’ve got the horse and you’ve got the saddle, together we’re going to ride, ride, ride”….. the times we would be hysterical laughing at one another because of our fat stomachs……..or when he knew that I was upset at him for whatever reason, he would smart off and from the TV room, I hear him tell my son, “I guess we aren’t getting any cookies tonight……….

OH WHAT HAS HAPPENED…….. It is still so unbelievable….

Midmorning I wanted to go look for the deer. I didn’t want to leave the canyon without seeing a deer. We went about a little walk towards the Colorado River and came across a couple looking for Big Horn Sheep, he said they had been spotted in the area, I told him we hadn’t seen any but asked them if they had seen deer. They told us, that they had seen at least 6 of them watering near the river…. So we headed that way. It was funny to me because here I am, looking for deer. (that’s exactly what Robert would be doing, actually looking for any four footed critter). We didn’t see any. I was quite disappointed. (My sister made friends with a fox). After a couple hours at the Colorado River (it was beautiful), we chose to go back to camp…..

My sister and I sat in the sunshine, enjoying the view of the many, huge cliffs. The colors were just gorgeous. Of course, the quite moments took our thoughts to Robert. I can’t express enough just how much I/we miss him. How could we rewind time? Go back to what we had. Undo what was done…. ………………….My sister mentioned him often. She still misses him as well as the rest of the family; tears are always present when we talk about me. WHAT A LOSS WE HAVE SUFFERED. We’d talk about all he taught them (family) about camping. I truly enjoyed our talk. After a couple of hours “sunning”, people started noticing two dumb Mexicans sitting on the bench laughing or crying…… it was so much fun making friends with so many other people. They would actually stop to join in on our laughter with making fun of each other (that’s what sisters do, right). We even had the Park Ranger joining in on the fun. We met people from all over this great world. I posed for an Asian man….. (maybe I’ll be featured in one of their comic books). We decided to go back to camp and get our stuff ready, hoping to leave by 6:00 a.m. While packing and getting ready for the morning, we received company. These people were “friends we met on the bench”. my sister meets strangers and right away want to play SKIPBO, so she a invited mother and daughter to come over and play “SKIPBO”. We laughed so hard telling her, “Yeah, they’re going to come play SKIPBO, with you”. Well they did…….

Time to sleep and then time to wake up and get going………My niece (who took care of Robert) was amazing. I still can’t believe how she just took over and made things happen. You’d think she was born with the talent of an outdoorsman………. She gives credit to her Tio Robert …. She’ll say that her Tio taught her all she knows about camping. I never helped Robert with the camp set up… I didn’t want to learn how to do it…… too much work. So, I’d say, “I do all the work @ home, so here @ camp, you get to do it. AND HE DID! But “Nelelee”, knew how to do it all.

As we started our early morning hike back out of the canyon, guess what we encountered…… DEER! Beautiful deer. There they were, there must have been at least eight/nine. They were watering and just watching us. They were as motionless as we were. My heart sank. I wanted so badly to holler out to Robert, to come and see them, but was afraid to scare them off. Then again, Robert wasn’t with us. I was able to get near enough to talk to them. It was great. I told them not be afraid, that Robert wasn’t with us. (my honey was a hunter). I didn’t want to leave the area; it was so much like heaven. Beautiful, serene, friendly, warm, cool, and peaceful and I felt very close to Robert. I knew we had to keep going, but it wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to leave that feeling I felt. So close, to Robert. I was in fact in his world. I thought of us looking over the canyon beyond the canyons, just imagining what we could see. I saw and felt the great beauty with the taste of heaven.

We went about our hike, crossed the bridge over the Colorado River. We stood in the middle or the bridge looking at the rushing waters, but my thoughts were still on the deer and the beautiful meadows against the large rocks within the canyon. There was such a sense of sadness. I think my sister even mentioned it.

I took us 8 hrs to climb out of the canyon. Still, very beautiful at every angle. At the canyon, there are canyons within each canyon and at every spot you can see a different beauty. Breathtaking. We did, at many points, stop for a rest, but even then, we didn’t stop marveling at God creation. That’s when we’d pull out Robert’s binoculars, to see all we can see. At this one point, I heard a chipping, which I thought was a bird. I told my sister, look for that bird that is chipping. So she pulled out the binoculars to look for the bird. Some other hikers stopped and asked what she had seen and she said, “I looking for that bird, do you hear it”? And they said, oh, that’s not a bird; it’s a squirrel (or chipmunk).

We continued climbing. We were well into our 5^th hour. This was grueling and only to get worse. My niece and her friend left us behind. I really don’t think it had anything to do with age nor their fitness. I believe that my sister and I were literally enjoying the beauty. We’d meet hikers on the trail, and we’d talk. The hikers we’d meet coming down, we’d say, “enjoy it”, then we’d ask, “are WE almost there?” The ones that would hike along with us were so good to encourage us, to just keep on going and to enjoy it. So we were all pretty much with the same mind set.

About 3 ½ miles from the top it got bad. We hit the snow again. The trail’s narrower because of the snow. We were slipping and sliding and at just about a crawl. We kept on, slowly but surely. We were still enjoying the sights but really we were worried and wondering whether or not we were going to make it (Robert would have been mad for us taking such a risk). My sister was good about trying to distract us, and this one time she says, “Just think Ernestina, how many sisters have had this opportunity to do what we’re doing , together”. That was nice, but I thought, how many sisters are there that would be so stupid to do this? It was horrible, steep, icy, and slippery. I know there a couple of time I wanted just to quit. Just stop. Then I would hear my Robert say, come on Ernestina, you can do it, we are almost there…… (then I’d remember why I quit hiking with him…… he didn’t know when to stop) At one point my sister slipped. That could have been catastrophic. The trail has logs built in (preserve trail) so we had to lift our leg over to step up. This was on ice and snow. She slipped and only God prevented her from going over…. Scary. We were quiet the rest of the way……I started noticing a place where Robert and I had walked our baby girl down about a mile……. So I knew that we were pretty close but very, very difficult.

Thanks to my loving, merciful God. We made it. I experienced a touch of heaven, a place where I left Robert and beautiful memories. I was able to share many tears with him, and was left with such peace knowing that he is where he wants to be and knowing that someday, we will all be together. Not only the kids and I, but my family that still miss and mourn him. He left us all with precious memories, and I thank God for them. I’M EVEN AT A POINT THAT WHEN IM SAD, OR MISSING HIM, I JUST PRAY AND THANK GOD FOR THE YEARS HE GAVE US WITH HIM. ALTHOUGH SHORT YEARS, FOR US WHO MISS AND LOVED HIM, BUT BIGGER THAN LIFE YEARS, BECAUSE HE LIVED LIFE TO THE FULLEST WITH THOSE HE LOVED.

getting what i came here for

so i may have forgotten why i made this blog.. i think i have been writing things that i want to write about.. but i also have the reader in mind.. when in reality.. .this blog is for me... it was set up so that i had a safe place to write how i feel.. send it out and release it... and there have been times when i don't write what i am feeling.. or i avoid writing because i know it is going to be hard to read... or worse.. hard to write...

so i want to write this for my own therapy.. so that i can sleep.. so that i can stop feeling the way i have been... but i want to write it without guilt that it will make some of you sad or feel bad... it is what it is... and it's what i need to work out...

i don't sleep.. i can sleep.. believe you me. i CAN sleep... i can lay down for 4 hour naps and wake up ready for another round of sleep... i have fallen asleep in the bathtub... at the movies.. in school parking lots during lunch hour... i CAN sleep.. but sometimes. i won't.. i will myself to stay awake... completely terrified of what i am going to see when i close my eyes...

at night.. there is a stillness...at night it comes down to me and my thoughts... a battle almost... i literally shake my head NO.. i put on my war face and downright refuse to let them get the better of me...

the thing that i am avoiding so much as to drive myself to bite my fingernails till they are painful and bloody.. is my dad... i fight back tears but still feel them rolling into my ears.. hot.. i lose the battle every time... even with my eyes open starting out into darkness i see him... he is thin.. frail... he is scared too...

and that's what gets me... i am laying in bed fighting sleep the way he did every night... we would beg him to sleep and he wouldn't... and i know what he was afraid of... because i see them too.. i see all of the memories and things we work so hard to hide away in our minds.. i know what it feels like to not be able to stop them... and i know.. without a doubt that is what he was seeing... in his over 60 year of life,, i don't know all he had seen.. i don't know all that he had experienced.. but i know the bad stuff lurked... then came out at night...

my nightmares are made of seeing him small and sick on the recliner sleeping with his mouth open... but his hands and feet are twitching because i know he is having a morphine induced nightmare... or i see him hallucinating and seeing bungs on my aunts kitchen floor.. so afraid he is holding the wheels to his wheel chair so that i can't push him into the kitchen.. and all i told him was to not look down... i see him staring off into corners.. and i ignored it... i was so afraid to see my dad afraid that i blocked it all our... or at least tried to... i didn't comfort him... i didn't want to pity him.. i kept on trucking hoping that he would follow.. and he did...

and i feel so much guilt now.. i have so many "should of" thoughts left over.. i should have played games with him at night.. maybe took a walk around the block. anything to help keep his thoughts and hallucinations at bay.. and i didn't... so maybe it's my punishment to lay awake and try to cry as quietly as possible... i try not to live with regret but instead learn.. what what lesson was there to learn here?

after nights of sleeplessness my mind starts to wander in the day... running watter can send me into a panic attack when i think of the look on his face when he washed his hands.. like water was the best feeling in the world after not showering for days... when i cook. i think i could have tried harder to come up with things he could,would eat.. and worse.. i secretly wonder pretending to be so strong led me to this...

all of these thoughts keep me from the good memories... and i start to avoid him all together.. i don't want to talk about him or hear about him.. because i know what is hiding in the shadows of my brain...

these are the demons that i live with.. and i don't know how to get rid of them... except to release them.. here.. or maybe to talk about it...but how is that going to happen when i work to avoid it all?

it's a cycle... and one that has to be broken for my own sanity...