Wednesday, November 24, 2010

turkey day


truth be told i never liked thanksgiving... i've always thought it was a silly holiday.. we eat.. then we eat some more.. but.. at least we get together with family and i suppose that is what matters... i hadn't spent thanksgiving with my family in quite a while... we would fly out for Christmas or they would come here so it didn't make sense to take two trips a month apart... and that has always been pretty okay with me...
but last year we were blessed to spend one last thanksgiving together.. as a complete family.. last year on this day we were picking up my husband at the airport... i was readying him for what he was going to see..the last time he had seen my dad he looked pretty well.. he was easily tired.. but was walking... and still had a considerable amount of weight on him... what he was going to see is our big strong papa.. in a wheel chair... thin... far from frail.. but needing more help... he was not going to be able to talk with him as he would have in years past... he was going to avoid talking about hunting for fear that it would make papa sad that he was unable to be in his beloved outdoors... also at this point papa wasn't talking a ton.. and the morphine made him less and less lucid..
the day went without incident.. my husband was very optimistic.. until that night when we clung to each other and for the frist time really sobbed.. together... we never lost hope as a family until papa's last day on earth.. but i think that night we both realized that losing him was inevitable... and our new hope was for more time...
what we were given instead of more time.. was a good day... thanksgiving if i remember right was a good day.... there wasn't a ton of pain and papa discovered he could eat mashed potatoes.. which later turned into a couple late night runs to KFC... and i remember him wanting for us to go home... (to my mom's house because we were at my aunts) to have a singing contest... because we were playing rockstar on the wii... we didn't.. but he was well enough to go to my other aunts home for desert... and i believe still feeling entitled to his singing contest... had my aunt play the guitar for him.. he remembered a song he used to sing to my cousin when she was little.. and while i wasn't there for this event.. the story goes that he had her sit in front of him while he sang "i love" by tom t. hall... i mist up every time i hear that story that my cousin bravely told at his funeral.. and it is a bitter sweet blessing that i wasn't there for that... i had worked so hard to be strong for him... to show him i could handle anything.. truth be told.. i could not have handled that...
again..in my papa's way.. he gave us a wonderful thanksgiving to remember... and this thanksgiving... of course we will be thinking of him and missing him... but pssssssst... i'm still stressing about Christmas :)


just a reminder... if you would like to contribute to my blog as a "guest blogger" (and please do, as i am sure there are many wonderful memories that i wasn't present for, or would like to hear from a different point of view).. if you would like to write about my papa, cancer or loss... please email an entry, photo or memory to amberumen@yahoo.com

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

not the reaction i was hoping for...but maybe the one i needed







here is my papa about to open his traditional gift of Stetson cologne.. that he miraculously ran out of every year around Christmas time!







i had been putting it off.. my mouth would go dry and my palms would get itchy... and i could already hear his voice... i could already see his 6 year old face.. i could already see his little fists balled up in pensive anticipation... because this is the way i picture my brother when i have to say something i don't want to... but the moment came when i just had to say it... "i think we should skip Christmas this year".. about 5 very slow seconds passed before he looked at my mom and asked "is she stupid? are you hearing this?" at which point i begin to make my case... "i don't know if i can handle it this year... it is just going to be too hard.. how about we all go to Disney land instead?".... i was so confident that the Disney land thing would work.. it didn't..."then what?" he asked.. with that same stupid smirk on his face.. full well knowing he had us all where he wanted us..."are we going to cancel birthdays too?"
so... we are NOT skipping Christmas... we are facing it.. whether WE want to or not... so.. i have put my game face on.. i decorated the house early... super early... i have yet to turn on the Christmas music for fear that one of the songs that we sang to him that last Christmas eve will be playing...
i just see him.. so frail.. so sick.. on that last Christmas.. my goodness it was only a few days before he took his last breath... it would be easier to face had he been healthy or were i able to think of him healthy.... we did have beautiful memories... he fought so hard to stay lucid.. to give us a good one...
there was a moment that replays in my mind... my uncle had just put french doors in the kitchen instead of the huge heavy window door... it was finally done and my dad seemed to be gazing in that direction.. my mom asked "what are you thinking about?" (keep in mind that this is a loaded question and while we asked it from time to time i don't think we ever really were ready or an actual answer) my dad answered "about next Christmas"... my mom asked "what about next Christmas?" a whole minute passed....and i can tell you from experience i know what was going through her mind... i knew the answers she thought that were going to come out of his mouth... instead of any of those he said "just thinking about how to decorate the doors" a breathe of relief was heard around the world...this moment reminds me of what he was willing to do for us... the brave face he put on for us...
so.. can i do this for my brother? sure i can... do i hate that he was right all along? sure i do!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

on God.. and faith part 3

i was recently talking to someone (sometimes i forget that blogging is entirely MY choice and no one else's, so i have to try to respect other's privacy if i am going to blog about a discussion or event that he/she is a part of.. but i digress) i was talking to this person about Heaven... i was shocked to find out that he did not believe in Heaven... he did not believe in any kind of existence after death... his theory was that when we die there is darkness.. nothing more..
one thing my papa taught me with his faith is that it is VERY MUCH a choice... you can believe... or not... he never said this... but he showed it in his faith.. in his choice to give his life to God... and his choice to trust that there would be a beautiful life after he was gone...
as a skeptic.. think about this... consider a child.. born into an abusive situation.. the worst you can think of.. imagine this child's life cut short by this abuse... what would be the point of this child's life if there wasn't a Heaven.. if there wasn't someplace that her soul could go to.. to heal.. to become complete? consider my papa who spoke to God in his prayers as if he were in the room... my papa was new in his faith... but old friends with God...
so is it harmful for that little girl, my papa or me to believe that there is a life after this one... do i know what it is or what it holds? no... but can't i chose to believe it is full of beauty.. and a chance to see my papa again?
an hour after our conversation, he came back and said... i chose to believe in Heaven... i want to see (your) dad again... so if i have to stretch my beliefs to do that some day... i can...

dear papa, we are finding our way.. just hold tight... we will see you again...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

enjoying the moment part 2

the bride's bouquet with a little picture of my papa hanging from it....the maid of honor and my own bouquet had one as well


i was feeling such anxiety about the wedding... i think we all were... it was going to be too obvious that my papa was missing.. especially because he loved the couple so much and was a strong supporter of their love....i also didn't want my missing him to overtake my joy for them...
he was missed.. very missed... but i am glad to report we did well.. as a group... his absence was noticed but i thank the bride and the maid of honor for making him a part of it all... while i worried that having his picture on our bouquets as well as the "in memory" flowers set next to the guest book.. would make me miss him more.. instead it felt good to know he was there with us... within us... this made it easy to enjoy the much anticipated moment...
the daddy daughter dance was hard knowing i would never dance with my own father.. ever again... but watching Katy look so beautiful and happy made all that disappear... sure there were tears... but more than that.. there was happiness... and dancing.. lots of dancing... i think we did him proud... he would be proud to know we were able to support Katy in the way that she needed instead of being stuck in our grief....

now... time to tackle Christmas... yikes...

Monday, November 1, 2010

10 months

dear papa,
it is a bittersweet day papa... today i am reminded of the mixed blessing of death... i miss you so much... and you missed so much this month.. but i know last Halloween night was one of your worst.. i know how much pain you were in just one year ago yesterday... maybe in the most pain you had been in throughout the fight...
so while i hurt for you... and need you every second of the day... i also have to thank God that you are no longer in pain... that your fight was not long... that you passed with dignity... and that you are in heaven.
thinking of you in pain is not something that is easy for me to cope with... i also thought of you as i danced all night on Saturday... i thought of how hard it must have been for you to succumb to a wheelchair... to know you would not do your silly dances again... it's not just the physical pain you were in.. but the mental anguish of worrying about us and the realization you must have felt about what was happening.. it is when i think of those things that i can actually thank God for taking you when he did...
i love you papa... and i want so bad to see you smile at me.. or even frown at me... i want to kiss the top of you head...and i want to mean it when i tell people that i am ok.. that everything will be ok... today in this hour.. this minute.. i will allow myself a moment to think it won't...

always,
ana marie